i was thinking of how in life you hear horror stories of loved ones winding up in ditches... but you never think you will know what that's like. you think how terrible it would be but you don't understand the atrocity of it all until one day you've lived it. and of course never in a million years do you imagine you would open your eyes and find you are next to your loved one in that ditch.
i think about CJ on a regular basis but i still worry his memory is slipping from my grasp. i laugh and i smile and i am happy.. most of the time. and i know that is the point of progress, to reach a place where you can be happy and not feel guilty. i know that i have spent the past 3 years struggling to make it to this place. but that's just it. it has been 3 years and i don't want that to mean CJ is gone. it's hard to hold on to something or someone that you never see or hear from. it's hard to carry on some sort of connection with someone you never have the pleasure of interacting with. 3 years doesn't seem right. i cannot imagine that it has actually been that long. it makes me sad and nostalgic. and i carry my sadness and i control it, it does not control me. but today is his birthday. and sometimes i guess we just need to grieve. i can't let go of my sadness entirely because it would mean letting go of CJ entirely, which i could never do. maybe i'm just bummed today because my world turned when he smiled and i haven't seen it in so very long. and even though i love him with everything i have, i don't know that i am in love with him anymore. i'm starting to see that being in love is a growing feeling, and with CJ there is no room for it to grow. i cannot learn new things about him because i have scoured through everything that was a part of him to know it all. i cannot feel new emotions towards him because he is not here to stir those feelings.
what if i fall in love here on earth with someone new? when i get to heaven who am i with? my very first love or my very last?