i don't even have the energy to explain the emptiness and numbness i feel right now. in 2 and half hours it will be the exact time a year ago that CJ died... right next to me. and at the time i was torn between knowing it and denying it. and i chose denial for a good week. while i was in the hospital i acted as if nothing was wrong. and when i got out i could no longer pretend. and now here i am a year later and all i want to do is pretend.