CJ's birthday..... "23" but he's still 22 to me... forever. my 22 year old crazy angel. the boy who stole my heart. made me fall in love. the only one whoever got me. understood me. loved me for who i was completely. completed me. gave my life meaning. it's so hard now to separate myself from that world. from that person. from that girl that was in love with that boy. i don't know how to be someone else. i don't know how to not be in love with CJ. it's been this way for so long i don't know how to exist differently. every day of my life i wrapped around him. my thoughts, my dreams, my plans... everything was CJ for so long. now i don't know how to pick myself up. i don't know how to be me. i don't know who me is. i'm lost. i'm empty. i'm lonely. and i long for the past. i went to wake up and it be jan 2005 or june 2005. or july 2006. or jan 2007. anything that is before my world fell apart. the pieces came crashing down and i haven't been able to put them back together since. i feel like my emptiness has swallowed me whole. how do i escape from this life?
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When you find the answer to that question let me know. The ominous 1 year mark is just 2 weeks away. I am completely falling apart and there seems to be no end.
That\'s an easy question. You are not the same person anymore! There is no way for you to go back to the way things used to be. You can only evolve into a new you. I think that the part of you that loved CJ will always be with you. Nothing can ever make you lose the good times that you shared with him. Those memories are yours to cherish forever. Ivan holds such a special place in my heart. No one ever understood me and no one ever understood him---we were perfect for eachother. We were so unseperatable too. I miss his hugs & kisses. Somehow we have to realize that nothing that good belongs here on earth. \"Nothing Gold can stay.\" We have to let them go. Not completely because that\'s not real and nor would we ever want to. But our focus needs to be on ourselves. There\'s no way we can move forward if we don\'t live in the present. I still hurt so bad that I feel like my chest is going to cave in or that I\'m going to pass out cuz I\'ve cried so much. But I\'m tired of hurting myself. I\'m just plain cried out. I want to see joy in my life again, I want to feel like I\'m happy again. Even if it\'s only a dream. I know right now I\'m suffering but, someday when God calls me I know Ivan will be there waiting for me. I think about how he\'s going to show me all the things that he has learned in Heaven and how I\'m going to tell him all the things I learned too on Earth. I know Ivan doesn\'t want to see me sad. We have to find a way to find some joy in our lives again. Pray and ask God he is the only one who can help us. We will never feel or be the same but now we are different and we will become stronger than we have ever been. Try to focus on you. Give yourself only certain times in the day when you cherish your loved one but you can\'t think of him 24/7 like what happened and still happens to me. We have to learn how to stop hurting ourselves and start loving ourselves. We can make it we are just different now. Trust me, when we get better the world is going to be afraid of us!