having a very rough night. i keep thinking about CJ's birthday coming up on tuesday. he'd be 23. my baby. i want so badly for him to be back here. i've been having a rough time lately. i don't know who to turn to except for the people here on dailystrength. i was never someone to lean on strangers but you guys understand me and my pain so much better than the people around me. except for CJ's family of course. i wish sometimes i knew how to talk to God still. i haven't said a word to Him since the accident and i used to pray every single night. and you know what hurts the most. you know why i can't talk to Him anymore. because i'm so hurt and so angry. i used to pray every single night.. i would thank him for everything and then ask him to watch over all my loved ones.. and you know what.. i always said a special prayer for CJ. i ask God to keep a close eye on him and to protect him because i knew CJ was crazy. and so i would ask God please watch over him please keep him safe. every single night i would pray. i even did the night of the accident before i got into CJ's car. so now i ask myself how? why? why did he not protect CJ? why didn't he save him? i was a good person. i always tried to do the right thing. and CJ he was crazy but he had such a big heart. so why would God do this? i'm so upset. i feel like i can't speak to Him because i don't understand how he could let this happen. and sometimes.. not being able to speak to God ... makes me feel more alone.
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wow daves birthdayis comin up on saturday...so many similarities. i talk to god more now but i wasnt able to even go to church or think about god for months n months...its still hard now actually. but i just put faith in the fact that there was some reason why it happened. and lately im thinkin dave was the damn lucky one cuz im just watchin my life fall apart at the seems with everything i do. i miss talkin to hun but its so hard for me to talk lately or aknowlegde anything. (tomorrow is 9 months for me)... i think about u alllll the damn time tho so i hope my warm thoughts r hitting you! love ya girl...i gotcha ya.
O you are not alone in your troubling faith. my faith I feel like is shattered. I too have found a hard time praying since the accident. it\'s so hard. you\'re raised with the idea that if you are a good person and do good things then God will bless you but it doesn\'t always work that way. Sometimes life just isn\'t fair. Sometimes God\'s way doesn\'t follow our plans and it\'s so hard to accept. I still can\'t accept it. I know God is trying to reach out and comfort me but I just can\'t .. I can\'t let him in. I don\'t understand why he took Ryan. A man who always went the extra mile to do good things .. help people whenever he could. He was a much better person than I will ever be. So, why am I here and he isn\'t. Why wouldn\'t God want to keep a man who did so much good away?
It\'s hard to understand. And we never will. We can keep asking ourselves Why? Keep asking God Why Me? Why CJ? Why Ryan? and the list goes on and on. But we won\'t know the answers until we are reunited with the ones we love and then we won\'t care why.
Most of the time I can\'t do this. But sometimes it helps me to think not what God took away from me but what He allowed me to have in the first place. God brought me and Ryan together. And that brought a love that many people will never know. So, I try to be thankful that I was able to have Ryan and his love for the 6 1/2 years I did. Even though the pain is so hard to live with now .. I would never have erased the love Ryan and I had. I wouldn\'t go back and do it any other way. So when you are having a hard time try to think about that. Try to not think that CJ was taken, but how great it was that God brought CJ to you. and the great love God allowed you and CJ to have. I know there are times when we can\'t think about the good times .. but sometimes it helps me.