having a very rough night. i keep thinking about CJ's birthday coming up on tuesday. he'd be 23. my baby. i want so badly for him to be back here. i've been having a rough time lately. i don't know who to turn to except for the people here on dailystrength. i was never someone to lean on strangers but you guys understand me and my pain so much better than the people around me. except for CJ's family of course. i wish sometimes i knew how to talk to God still. i haven't said a word to Him since the accident and i used to pray every single night. and you know what hurts the most. you know why i can't talk to Him anymore. because i'm so hurt and so angry. i used to pray every single night.. i would thank him for everything and then ask him to watch over all my loved ones.. and you know what.. i always said a special prayer for CJ. i ask God to keep a close eye on him and to protect him because i knew CJ was crazy. and so i would ask God please watch over him please keep him safe. every single night i would pray. i even did the night of the accident before i got into CJ's car. so now i ask myself how? why? why did he not protect CJ? why didn't he save him? i was a good person. i always tried to do the right thing. and CJ he was crazy but he had such a big heart. so why would God do this? i'm so upset. i feel like i can't speak to Him because i don't understand how he could let this happen. and sometimes.. not being able to speak to God ... makes me feel more alone.