i was having a terribly hard day today. i'm not sure why. maybe cus friday will be 10 months. it's been so hard. such a long road. an ongoing battle every day. i wish i could at least feel like me again. i've felt so lost. it feels like the part of me that i know.. i can remember.. it left. it followed CJ up to heaven. i keep thinking about our plans. married. married with kids. one day we were gonna be the cutest family with wild little CJ's running around... crazy kids with big hearts. i don't know why people make plans at all. it makes life harder to make plans.. because when they fall apart it's that much more difficult to pick yourself up again. i think all the time about CJ's poor mother. her only son gone at the tender age of 22. april 1st is his birthday. april fool's day. i used to say he was my fool. he would be 23 this year. wild and crazy and making the world a brighter place with his smile. and now... now what? i hope, wish, dream.. that somehow his spirit is with me. but is it? or do i just magnify insignificant things because i want so desperately for them to be real? can he feel my pain? and hear my cries? can he see me when i fall to the floor pleading for him to come back for me? or is it all just in vain? i miss him so bad. the pain is so deep it's buried in my soul. it eats and picks at me every day.. until one day.. i swear.. there will just be nothing left. the pain is destroying me still... from the inside out.  COME BACk CJ... fix me... make me better. just like you used to. </3