i was having a terribly hard day today. i'm not sure why. maybe cus friday will be 10 months. it's been so hard. such a long road. an ongoing battle every day. i wish i could at least feel like me again. i've felt so lost. it feels like the part of me that i know.. i can remember.. it left. it followed CJ up to heaven. i keep thinking about our plans. married. married with kids. one day we were gonna be the cutest family with wild little CJ's running around... crazy kids with big hearts. i don't know why people make plans at all. it makes life harder to make plans.. because when they fall apart it's that much more difficult to pick yourself up again. i think all the time about CJ's poor mother. her only son gone at the tender age of 22. april 1st is his birthday. april fool's day. i used to say he was my fool. he would be 23 this year. wild and crazy and making the world a brighter place with his smile. and now... now what? i hope, wish, dream.. that somehow his spirit is with me. but is it? or do i just magnify insignificant things because i want so desperately for them to be real? can he feel my pain? and hear my cries? can he see me when i fall to the floor pleading for him to come back for me? or is it all just in vain? i miss him so bad. the pain is so deep it's buried in my soul. it eats and picks at me every day.. until one day.. i swear.. there will just be nothing left. the pain is destroying me still... from the inside out. COME BACk CJ... fix me... make me better. just like you used to. </3
Replies
This month will be 10 months for me too. During this tragedy in my life, I can\'t and never will get passed it. I\'ve been reading a lot lately, it has helped me to understand how much of the exact same feelings that I\'m going through other people have experienced as well. Makes me feel that somehow I\'m still normal. Sometimes you hear something and it just sticks for some reason...In this book, Good Grief it talks about how when your heart breaks it breaks open to allow us to include more than the loss, more than the pain. It breaks open to suggest that we can go beyond the limits of who we believed we were by meeting life through loss and utimately becoming better people. You will never be the same. I don\'t feel the same. I wish so much to go back to one day more with my loved one. I know I would appreciate him so much more than I did. I would give him anything. I would give anything to have him for more one moment. We need to change the relationship that we had with them into a spiritual one because they are no longer physical. Thank God at least we still have our memories of times when we felt sooo loved. We have to find a way to change our sorrow into song and remember them always with light shinning upon them and that they will never forget us, just like we can\'t forget them...Hugs and be patient with yourself, this is a long journey. Just take one step at a time. Don\'t look past 5 minutes. Do what makes you happy right here/now.
It can only get better. Just think it really CAN\'T get worse. CJ is with you .. he is always and will always be with you.