I'm sad today. I'm always a mess the day BEFORE the month mark for some reason. Well tomorrow is 9 months. How miserable. 9 months in my life of now CJ and it's not a day easier. I just found my 2007 New Year's Resolutions and they made me so depressed. 2007 ended up being a mess. worst year of my life and in the beginning of that year I was so sure I knew what I would want and if I had only known the things I knew now maybe everything would be different. I wish I could see the future and go back in time. Live at this time last year knowing what I know now. CJ SLOW DOWN. I'd tell him, I'd tell him the horrible fate we were going to face if he continued driving the way he does. I'd tell him how miserable my life turns out to be because he drives too fast. I'd tell him how everyone he ever met will hold onto forever a certain sorrow all because he loved to speed. And I don't want to put any misery or burden on him now I hope he's so happy and free and careless... but if I could just go back.. I'd stop him. I'd stop him the way I should have. I was there that night.. ME! If anyone could have, if anyone was supposed to stop him IT WAS ME!!! God gave me the chance to save him all I had to say were two words.. SLOW DOWN. I know it, CJ knows it, God knows it... everyone knows it.. if anyone could have stopped him it would have been me. If there's anyone he would have slowed down for.. it was me. But no. I smiled and let it go. I let him die by not saying what I needed to say....
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You can\'t do that to yourself. The guilt .. we all have it. Ryan called me about 20 minutes before he died and i was at work and told him i\'d call him later, but later never came. He was already gone by the time i called him back. I sit here and kill myself thinking if i had just talked to him longer .. or called him back sooner and not been fiddling around at work .. if i had called him back and left sooner he might be here today. Ryan was also driving MY CAR when it happened. MY CAR was acting up and i had a job interview that week in kansas so he made me switch with him for the week. He was always watching out for me. and if he hadn\'t been in my car .. if he\'d been in his truck .. he wouldn\'t have died. It was my failure to call him back sooner .. my stupid interview .. my stupid car that killed him.
see we can all do it. we all have the guilt. we have to somehow get past it. I just can\'t think about it. I hate myself for not doing something .. but how were we to know it would end the way it did. hang in there, you are never alone in your thoughts .. we all have similiar feelings.
It\'s so amazing how much we are all alike. My Ivan also loved speed. He was a child inside and thought nothing bad could ever happen to him. His personality was that great. But, I don\'t think you could of done anything to prevent this from happening. If only...But God made his choice and somehow we have to accept that the loves of our lives had to go. If it didn\'t happen that way, it would of been another way. It was the path that they chose and this is the path that we have chosen. We choose to fall in love with amazing people, people that had such a great impact on our lives...But I guess there is a price for everything. We choose not to give up and to be strong. We will become even stronger. Stay postive!!! I have really bad days too. I feel the pain/guilt/anger/ I feel it all. It repeats itself over and over. I\'m finally seeking counseling. I\'ve been through too much of a tramatic experience...I need someone to hold my hand until I can get a grip on myself..This month will be 10 months and it feels like an eternity...