I'm sad today. I'm always a mess the day BEFORE the month mark for some reason.  Well tomorrow is 9 months. How miserable. 9 months in my life of now CJ and it's not a day easier.  I just found my 2007 New Year's Resolutions and they made me so depressed.  2007 ended up being a mess. worst year of my life and in the beginning of that year I was so sure I knew what I would want and if I had only known the things I knew now maybe everything would be different.  I wish I could see the future and go back in time. Live at this time last year knowing what I know now. CJ SLOW DOWN. I'd tell him, I'd tell him the horrible fate we were going to face if he continued driving the way he does. I'd tell him how miserable my life turns out to be because he drives too fast. I'd tell him how everyone he ever met will hold onto forever a certain sorrow all because he loved to speed. And I don't want to put any misery or burden on him now I hope he's so happy and free and careless... but if I could just go back.. I'd stop him.  I'd stop him the way I should have.  I was there that night.. ME! If anyone could have, if anyone was supposed to stop him IT WAS ME!!! God gave me the chance to save him all I had to say were two words.. SLOW DOWN.  I know it, CJ knows it, God knows it... everyone knows it.. if anyone could have stopped him it would have been me.  If there's anyone he would have slowed down for.. it was me. But no. I smiled and let it go.  I let him die by not saying what I needed to say....