a mess again. i'm starting to think i can't do this anymore. they say time heals but i have not seen those results. if possible things have gotten worse. i feel like there is so much pain pressing down on me all the time that it's hard just to stand. it's hard just to get up. somedays i get by and the only way i do is by pretending none of this is real and that CJ is on some fantastic vacation. but when reality hits, it hits hard and it knocks me down. i just don't know how much more i can take. i still would have given the world to have died that night.