i'm just trying to get better. trying to move in a positive direction. but i'm scared to lose him. i don't want positive things to mean that i forget everything that happened in 2007. i'm afraid for a new year because i fear that the memories of everything will fade from my mind. i want to cling on to horrible memories because they make it real. i don't want to forget that no matter how i look at it.. no matter what good things come.. i still lost the one that made eveything better. i don't understand.. how could i want to get better but want to stay miserable at the same time?
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It is OK to feel confused, sweetie, and that is just what it is, confusion.
You won\'t forget what happened, ever, but I really hope that eventually, the sweet memories will keep him with you rather than all the horrible things that happened.
Many people feel, or have felt, just as you do now.
God Bless, dear friend, and warmest hugs for you to have better days.
I am starting to feel that way too. I am trying to start going out with friends and stuff more. But there is a part of me that hates it when i am not just sitting at home missing him and feeling sad. Sometime I fear that if I start doing okay .. then He may leave me. I mean I really think Ryan is with me. That he is there when I am having a bad night and have no one to console in. I really think he is with me .. it\'s a comfort i can\'t ezplain. But I am afraid if I start to be more positive and get out more .. then maybe he\'ll think i don\'t need him anymore and I am not ready for that. I have already lost him in one aspect .. but i don\'t know if i could lose the comofort of feeling like he is with me. It\'s just to hard to think about.
wow i wish i had the answer for u cuz i ask myself the same question all the time but i can tell u this... you will NEVER forget any of what happened, you will never lose the heartache when u think of him, you will never forget him, you will never forget anything period... it will hopefully get less intense but i can tell u that CJ will cross your thoughts everyday for the rest of your life as im sure Dave will cross mine. I dont mean this in a negative way.. I mean it all in a way that can give you and i hope that we cant force ourselves to feel better yet at all but we can look forward to a day where we still ache for our boys but we can do it in a way that doesnt make us completely miserable and unable to want to live... I dont kno if any of what I\'m saying makes sense lol. But dont worry hun.. we\'re in this together.