happiness has escaped me. i tried fighting off the misery but it doesn't work. it's stronger than me and i am so miserable. whenever things got bad CJ would come around and fix them or make me smile. i could tell him anything. i would tell him now how much i hate myself. i don't think i'm a very good person. and he'd listen and he'd fix me. he always fixed me. now there is no one. no one else knows how to fix me. i'd give everything to have died in that accident. i'm so angry that he died and i lived. I WANTED TO DIE!!! why couldn't i have died right next to him.. that's how it was meant to be. i was never meant to live without him.this misery is following me everywhere. i can't get away from it. and i have tried. nothing works. every day is the wort because i live through it. i hate my life. i hate everything. when CJ died so did i. but i'm still here it makes no sense. i just want to die.
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love ya* and im so sorry that you are goin thru this pain... we dont deserve it at all but our boys are holdin us up and keepin us as strong as we can be right now... atleast they better be lol*
I wish I knew how to fix you. I would, I can\'t replace CJbut if only to give you a moment to let some pain out. I\'m not going to tell you anyone holds you up because I\'ve learned that in my darkest hours it was me holding me up. Yes I had DS friends and with that support I probably couldn\'t have done it but the point I\'m trying to make is CJ had faith in you even though helped you \"fixed you\" it was actually you with CJ\'s support. YOU CAN DO IT, take it slow I can\'t promise this is ok it may never be ok but you will relearn how to live in this different state of life on earth. CJ is still with you you just can touch him right now.
I wish I could hug you tight and not let go for about 30 minutes. email me if you need to vent or talk or...HUGS from Paula