this is something i can't tell my family or friends because they will only worry or try to make it not true.. when it is very real and very true... in the past few months i have dreamnt so many times that i am dying or that i die. i have dreamed i am in the hospital with a disease i will die from immediately, i've dreamed i was shot in the throat and died. most recently i dreamed i was driving by myself and i crashed into a brick wall and i died. i always dream i'm dying or will die. but here is the part that i can't tell others... every time i dream this there is only one thing going thru my mind while i am dying.. relief. every dream i have had about dying in the end i am so happy to be dead. i am actually thankful. last night i dreamed i crashed at high speeds into a wall and as i was dying all i kept saying was thank you god thank you. i was so relieved to finally be dead and to finally get to be with CJ. every time i die it is the first thing i think of.. thank god i can finally be with CJ... i can finally be happy.i don't feel suicidal or anything like that at all. that's why i wouldn't tell my friend/family because i know that would be their immediate thought and worry. i guess i'm just living my life now waiting for the end. and i have gotten so good at fooling others and myself even that i am happy. but every time i dream that i remember that i guess i just don't have that ability anymore. i just don't think i know how to be happy anymore. i'm just waiting to die so i can be with CJ. but sometimes i worry i have a long way to go because i'm only 20. is this is what life for me has become? if i live til 100 will i spend 80 years waiting to die?i don't know i guess it's all just overwhelming. and scary.
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we are in so many ways a like in what we are grieving. i thank you so much for this journal entry. you said some things out loud i have been too afraid of admitting for months. i don\'t think i am suicidal but boy do i share these same feelings. i wish i would die. i think it would be a relief. to finally be with ryan again and be happy again. it\'s weird living your life just waiting to die. most people are scared of it and here we are living everyday hoping for it. i have these feelings all the time, and i have never told anyone for the same reasons. i think my family and friends would worry that i was suicidal. but i don\'t think i am. i am like you .. i am not going to kill myself or anything but the thought that i might die tomorrow only brings a sense of relief and happiness, not feelings of fear or doubt. it\'s what i look forward to .. the day when i can be with ryan again. do you think this is normal? do you think this feeling will ever go away? i\'m like you is this what our lives have come to is this what it\'s going to be like from here on out?
i feel the same sweetheart. i would never do anything to hurt myself but i longgggggg for the end of the world more and more every second. and your right, not many people can undersatnd that! i\'m here with you!