every time i have to drive alone at night... when it's really late... it makes me think of the accident. i couldn't stop thinking about it tonight. it was all just flashing through my mind.. just sitting in your car trying to piece together what had just happened. i remember just trying to figure everything out. i sat there like wow we just survived the craziest thing. and it CJ it happened so fast but so slow too. and i remember just trying to understand why you weren't answering me. i was so scared but something in my head just kept telling me what to do... pick up the phone.. dial 911.. figure out where you are. it was as if someone was telling me what to do. it was so scary CJ just sitting in that car knowing.. just knowing you were right next to me and that would be it. that would be the very last time. and i wasn't even allowed to think about that. i had to focus on calling 911 and getting us out of this place we were and i didn't even know where we were. i remember hearing the water. and smelling the gas from your car. i remember the trees that were in the sunroof and in my hair. i remember the glass everywhere and my hand bleeding. and i remember being so scared to turn on the light. but they made me CJ... they made me turn on the light and see everything. i was just sitting there on the phone with 911 and half of me was as calm as day and the other half was going crazy trying to understand everything. i don't think that half will ever be ok or ever understand what happened that night. i'll never understand how it is that you died and i lived. we were both there.. we both hit those trees CJ. we both had our seatbelts on. we both crashed. why you? why not me? i love you CJ and i miss you so much. please help me not think about this anymore. it makes everything hurt. it makes everything so much more difficult. help me out babe. <3