i want to be ok today. i feel CJ with me somehow today. his presence is following me around i just know it.i went to his best friend's wedding on sunday. it was one of the most distinct things i remember from the night of the accident. he had just found out that he was going to be best man. he was so excited about it. he was telling me his bachelor party plans and kept telling me it was going to be the greatest! he was just so excited to be best man. i remember thinking to myself i hope we go to this wedding together. =( that never happened obviously. but in a way he was there. everyone had on their CJ FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS wristbands that i had made and so it was almost as if he was there.it was very difficult driving up to the wedding though. it was in the same town that our accident was in and i haven't been there since that night. i even had to pass the deli we were in right before the accident. it was all just a difficult experience. i was really strong through the whole wedding and his brother-in-law would not leave me alone for a second to be sad. his family is really great. his sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding next year which was absolutely amazing and made me feel so honored. i love feeling like part of his family. on the way home i had a major breakdown. i even ended up going into the deli even though i swore i never would again. i went in there and just began hysterically crying. everyone who went to and worked at the deli knew him bcus it was his favorite hang out. his mass card is even hanging up so people probably knew why i was there even though they don't know me. but everyone was staring at me so i went back into my car and was just screaming at CJ. i didn't mean to get so angry. but he drove like that. he killed himself. we all begged him to stop but CJ could never see the problem with driving like that. he loved the power he felt behind the wheel. i wish i died right next to him. it doesn't make sense how i didn't. but now i will carry out my life with him in my heart and on my mind. no matter how far the distance it will never break our bond, or my love for him. i'll never stop. he'll forever be my number one. no one in this world will change that. <3 FOREVER AND EVER CJ YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART </3