i put it all off. all out of my mind.. the best i can. i don't embrace it. i don't accept it. i don't think about it. and then all at once in a weak moment it all falls upon me and crushes me to the ground. i can't breathe i can't sleep i can't even see straight. everything just comes into focus that you're really gone and it makes it so hard to even want to exist. i cannot fathom any of this still. 5 months and i am still in utter denial that you are really gone. why CJ why why why did you leave me? why when you knew.. you knew how badly i needed you all along. it hurts every time i smile and know i'll never see yours again. it hurts every time i hear a laugh and know i'll never hear yours again. it hurts every time i hear a song and know you'll never sing to me again. it hurts every time i wake up and know i'll never wake up next to you again. it hurts every time i take a breath and know you'll never breathe one again. it hurts just to live knowing you never will again.  i don't understand why the greatet guy in the world had to be taken from my grasp. i held onto you so tight CJ. i swored i'd never let you go.. and yet somehow i did. and now you're gone forever. why why why why!!!!!! please cj. please help me.