it's so weird to be the person who lost someone. i never thought i would be in this position. you don't think about mortality when you are only 20 years old. but i guess there is no real age for death. death consumes the lives of young people all the time. and i, just like others, have read about tragedies in the news and i feel sad for those people but you never really think about the fact that their life is destroyed. something happened that will change them forever. you never really think about it until it happens to you. i could have never thought that there would be a time when i would be here on earth and CJ would be up in heaven. it still makes little sense to me. i never thought this could happen to me. i was a good person. CJ was a good person. i thought horrible miseries were supposed to happen to bad people. i guess my vision of life was warped. i guess i got what i deserved. after CJ and i broke up i spent a lot of time wishing and praying that i could get over him and he would be out of my life. how dare i for ever wishing for that. i of course could not have forseen that this is what would happen. i thought i was asking to be healed from the pain of not being able to work things out with the one i was in love with. CJ and i had just been so up and down for a year and a half that it wore me out. so i wished that somehow we would either work things out officially and be together or that we just let each other go and lead our separate lives. but why why why? why is this what has become of us. why this? why now? why did it happen the night we seemed to have both decided to work things out. why was he robbed from my presence? why was he robbed of his life? he never deserved any of this. and just what if? what if he knew what would have happened if he did what he did? what if i knew and i prevented it? what if we took a different route home instead of the one i chose? what if? well it doesn't matter now... does it?