Thinking

Last night we were home together and decide to stay in. We got some food and a movie. I had heard the movie was good, but didn't really know what it was about. As we are watching it I start to realize it is about a guy who is an alcoholic and how it is ruining his life. he shuts everyone out and just doesn't see what he is doing to himself. It was hard to watch sitting next to an alcoholic who is in denial. I felt like I was watching the exact things thats happening in my life in a movie. Granted the movies examples were a little more dramatic, like a movie should be, but still it hurt to watch. Towards then end he had been sober for eight days and he finds alcohol in a hotel room next to his. I said out loud, "no, don't do it!" and almost cried when he drank. he got so drunk he passed out. Its hard to explain i guess. I read this back and it sounds so stupid. My husband is an alcoholic and doesnt see what he is doing to his life. he doesnt see he is throwing everything away from a drink. As were watching it I keep hoping he sees how he resembles this movie. but i know he doesnt. after the movie was over i had to try to not cry. it just hit so close to home. 
I have a problem dealing with stress and strong emotions. I am a cutter, but have been clean for about a week. I usually cut if i drink, but i drink to substitute cutting oddly. i cant seem to manage stress or high emotions in a normal way. So the past week ive been thinking about not drinking any more. NOW i dont drink a lot. maybe once a week. but i hate drinking becasue my husband drinks everyday. i feel like if i drink then im saying its ok for him to drink. if i abstain then i wont feel guilty. but if i dont drink will i have an even harder time dealing with things? odd how my alcoholic husband makes me wanna drink. i feel like i crave it like an addict would. like i said i drink maybe once a week (twice if i go out with friends). i think its my body craviung something to help calm me and make me feel better. if i have one maybe two drinks it does help me feel better, but once i start to get drunk i start to get into that self pitty/sad state where i have to fight to not cut. my depression causes me to ruminate and that is even worse when i drink. 
so i didn't drink yesterday. i usually do on fridays. we usually go out, but since we stayed in i decided to not drink. for the most part it was no big deal, but i can feel it pulling at me now. i am rationalizing why it would be ok to have a drink. that makes me feel like an alcoholic. sigh. but i think its just my body craving something to make it feel better. something to make me stop thinking about this bs in my life. sigh. it just keeps pulling at me :/