Just another day

Yesterday I went to the store to buy a Valentine's Day card. It was almost impossible to pick one. Granted there were not really any good ones left because I decided to wait till the last moment, but thats wasn't why I stuggled. How do you pick out a card that is supposed to show how much you love someone when all you've felt lately is anything, but love. I stood there staring at the cards not knowing what to do. I kept thinking how do I buy something that express lies. How can I gove you a ard that preaches my love when I don't know I can myself. How do I buy a card that praises how wonderful you are. How we will be together forever. How you are whats good in my life. I just couldn't. But I can't not get you a card. Can I? I decided to go for a funny one. It was emotionless. Granted it was funny, but it had no mention of "I love you", "You're the best husband" type of stuff. THEN trying to figure out what to write was almost more difficult. What do you write in a card that should express thanks and love when you don't feel that way? I couldn't say how awesome he was. I couldn't say I was thankful for him. I couldn't say anything that was an honest emotion. Now, don't get me wrong, I do love him. We have been together almost 11 years, but...I think you can love someone, but not really love them. I care about him, I would never want anythign to happen to him. If I lost him I'd be crushed, but I am really beginning to question if we are supposed to be together. I just don't think so any more.
Happy valentine's Day? Sure...it was awkward to give him his card and then kiss him. I felt like it was all a lie. Then he gives me a card saying that hes made a lot of mistakes, but the one thing he got right was me. I didn't even know how to respond. Oh thanks, you gave me a prewritten card and everythings ok now? Sure.
 
As the days go on I feel like I convince myself a little more that its over. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. Maybe I'm gaining strength to finally leave? Or maybe I'm just convincing myself its all bad because its too hard to try and make it work. Stupid nonstop brain. always thinking. Over thinking.