Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I miss you. I think about you like crazy. I think you were unfair and mean to me. I think I deserved better, I am said because I don't think you will ever change and that you didn't care enough about me to care about my feeling and my happiness. now I just get to see you on here all the time having fun talking to people online. You probably already have a line of women waiting for your return and a bunch in russia enjoying your single hood. I am trying to get better for myself and love myself so I don;t feel as hurt and affected by all of this. By your absence. I feel like you are fine and you are stronger than me. YOu don't need to talk to me or contact me ever again. I feel it. I am not that lucky. I still wish for you, think of you, and wish you would reach out. I am going to try to be a strong girl and get through the time you are home. It's really going to be hard for me. But through all of this I realized something...I really loved you. It wasn't cuz you are unhealthy, like my dad, ect. I really loved you. I hope one day you could see how lucky you were to have my love that way. I never gave it to a single soul as effortlessly or honestly as I gave it to you. You meant so much to me and what you put me through wasn't fair. I will take care of myself now and protect myself. Cuz you never did. I will do so by loving myself. I hope I can get through this without embarrasing myself by talking to you or getting caught up in the external. I needed to write this.
Replies
I know so well how you feel...But hope you don\'t let him reach out to you..to disappoint you and hurt you again..Abusers don\'t change..I gave my ex the deepest respect and love..and got abused in return..its very unfair..and it hurts a lot..hes not stronger than you..hes just cold..and maybe hopes you\'ll come running back..so he can be in control of your emotions again?..What mine put me through..was so unfair..and it hurts the injustice of it..and that they don\'t get it..You would not be lucky if he contacted you again..you would get hurt allover again...I used to wish my ex wouls appreciate my love..and wake up..but sadly..theres no wake up..Because they think they do no wrong..Mine didn\'t take care of me either....Not when it mattered..just the opposite...It shatters your trust, and as you said..can weaken you so much..I hope you can get through this..and your post to the woman wanting strength to stay away...helped me So much..thats why I came here to see your profile..We can all help each other through this..I have some very fine days..when my indifference sees me through..and some days..I feel deep pain and sadness..and what you said about getting back in the drivers seat...really helped me today..Thanks for that..
Hope you keep coming here and sharing..We\'re all in the same boat...In varying ways..x
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. This Journal entry was from February but my life with him is such a repetitive circle that I am back in this same boat. It will be two weeks on Saturday of no contact. I am trying to stay strong and I am praying for strength as much as I can. I just want to erase him from my life. I am so happy that my post helped you. That is why I am on here. Hopefully sharing our stories and strength can help someone. This forum really helped me. Your comment really put a smile in my heart. I am always here to help. I posted on that thread again, a quote from a book I found helpful, you should check it out. Keep in touch, I am always here. Thank you.