I am really going to try to make a habit of writing here so I can look back at any future moments of weakness.  Today I felt ok.  I have been reading a lot about emotional abuse and just exposing myself to as much information as I can.  It seems to be helping, there is so much I can relate to and so many traits I see in him.  The problem is, he was really good at being inconsistent.  He was inconsistently nice, mean, sympathtic, understanding, angry, perfect, and awful.  He wasn't consistently any one of those things so my mind got worped about what he truly is and what he is truly capable of.  I went on my email today and I saw that he was on his, that was not a very good feeling.  I clicked his instant message button but I didn't do anything.  That is the first show of strength...normally I would have written him and looked like a spinless mess.  I didn't...so I am proud of myself for that.  Reading about emotional abuse and how much of it I can relate to him, is so sad to me.  I wish I could have helped him, I wish I could have fixed him, I wish I could have released the good person that is trapped in that rage.  I feel bad.  He would die if he knew I felt bad for him, because I know he doesn't think anything is wrong with him.  But I am starting to really see that there is 100%  something wrong with him.  And it wasn't fair to take me along for the ride of self hatred and destruction.  I really want someone that encourages me to be the best "me" I can be.  yeah, I need a lot of work but I want to work at it, I'm willing too.  I want someone that lets me make mistakes and learn and grow.  I want to laugh, smile, be silly, love the people I love (male/female), and not take every little thing so seriously.  I don't want "control" to be the biggest priority and a constant struggle.  I want to give more than I take, live, love, learn, help, and find inner happiness. I want to trust and have trust in the people that love me that they won't unfairly judge me, hurt me, use my insecurities against me, control me, etc.  I don't want double standards from someone that is supposed to love me.  I want someone that is sympathetic to my feelings as I am to there's.  I don't want to feel like I have to fight for air when I am in a relationship with someone.  I always thought that he would be happy without me.  Everytime we break up he puts up a pretty good front.  Lives in a mansion, friends, parties, boats,  beautiful women, bars, money, fancy vacations, penthouses in miami, hanging around the rich and famous, etc. And I compare myself to him (I'm just a normal girl) and I feel like he is still better than me.  But, I know know that he hates himself inside, that's why he was doing those things to me, that's why he needed to control.  I have hated myself before too, and I know its not a happy place to be.  I also know that he will do this to anyother girl that comes into his life...but this time something will be different.  Now he will use me as an excuse to control and manipulate the next girls in his life.  He will make me out to be an untrustworthy, betraying, whore that worped him into the untrustworthy person he will be with her.  I know this in my heart of hearts, and I feel bad for the poor sap that has to believe that.  I know he will always be this way, unless he gets help, but I fear he is too narcissistic to get any.  He achieve happiness in a relationship one day when he finally gets complete control.  Because when he felt like he had control, things were great between us. and when I catered to his need for control things were good.  Whether or not they would have been good if I went to Moscow, I will never know.  I just see the pattern of how he acts when he is angry and my logic tells me that regarless of the location, distance, together, seperated, the reaction would and always will stay the same.  It's really too bad.  I have to get past the good times, the cuddling together, watching movies, the way he treated  me (good), how attentive and in love with me he seemed.  That is going to be hard.  But I have to remember that that isn't reality.  Because the honeymoon phase we kept circling through was amazing, it wasn't real.  I can't mourn a illusion anymore.  Just cuz he was sweet and nice sometimes isn't exceptable.  I want it all the time, I need it all the time.  And empathy, responsibility, caring, protecting, and loving someone unconditionally is NOT to much to ask of a loved one.  It's mean to say, but right now I hope he is hurt over this, and I hope that for just a second he realizes what he has done. Highly unlikely.