Today is better, but a different feeling.  Instead of pure misery it's morphed into a an ueasy, unsettling feeling.  I feel empty, scared, and nervous.  Nervous for what the future holds because I have been here before, many times, and none of them turned out good.  I had great intentions but I have always gone back and in many cases weasled myself back in.  I just want to be healthy, I just want to walk the right path.  I have this weird feeling like...who will define me now.  Cuz when he liked me, I felt good.  When he approved of me, I felt good.  When he put me on that pedistal and loved me, I felt complete.  But when I came crashing down from that pedisatal the pain was indescribable and intolerable.  Everytime I got lifted back up there I was a little lighter, leaving pieces of my self worth on the ground were I fell.  Bottom line, the good feelings just don't out weigh the bad.  I go through a range of emotions, I feel sorry for him, I feel guilt like he is right maybe I did ruin this, I feel guilt that even if he is wrong thats what he believes, I feel like I want his approval (I want him to believe me, desperatly, see my side), I feel lost because my power over him is gone.  Basically I don't really know how I feel, but I feel death.  Death as in loss, grief, and uncertainty.  Where do I go from here?  Like myself enough to fix this? I don't know if that is a reality.  I want to fix myself so I can truly go on and see him at face value.  I would have seen him at face value if he didn't have two distinctly different masks that were interchangable.  Well, this is day one...day one of no contact with a life time to follow.  That is a scary thought...maybe I should just go day by day.  I know this time I have to fix this internally.  I have always tried external ways of fixing it...extravagent trips, good looking men, high profile men, clothes, cars, going out to the "best" places.  All in an effort to make me feel better, to compete with him, to try to like myself more, to try to out do him.  It never worked, so I only have one option, realize that all those other things are illusions and what ever grand situation I put myself in, its still me in it.  The same insecure, lost, girl with little confidence.  Change the girl and the situations will be of little importance.  Pray for me :(