Ok...another night of fighting, another shitty morning.  This is day three of a fight steming from an argument on Saturday. This is the typical protocol, we get into an argument, he escalates it into screaming, insults, threats, and unnessicary comments, implies we are going to break up, etc.  Basically treats me in a way I feel is unfair and hurts my feelings 99% of the time with little remorse.  Then I get upset for the way he treats me far more then the argument itself and he won't ever acknowledge my feelings, apologize, or identify that anything he has done is wrong.  So the fight snowballs each day.  That's basically what happened and that's what always happens, that is untill one of us is ready to break up and then the other one gives in and tells that person what they want to hear.  In my case that is that he will not treat me that way and the way he loses his temper isn't right...that has yet to be followed through.  And in my case, it's just swallowing what I believe in and agreeing with him, and usually being the one that apologizes and acknowledges his feelings although mine have not been.  He blames his temper on the distance, that if we were face to face things would be different.  But time after time of this happening and his promises coming up short, how in the hell am I supposed to believe that?  He won't even admit he does anything wrong.  I told him I wanted him to fight healthy (which he does NOT do), and last night he told me I am the last person to talk about being healthy, that I have no idea what that means.  I found that offensive, because although I might not be currently practicing it, I DO know what healthy is and the appropraite way to treat other people.  He basically made it seem like I was clinging onto the fight itself, when I could care less about the stupid fight, it's the TREATMENT!  The way he treats me, the way he makes me feel, the way he makes me feel crazy when I talk about the way I feel (he makes me feel like I have no right to feel that way, like I'm making it up), the way he disregardes my feelings and needs, the way he laughs at me and makes me feel like a moran when I talk about the way I feel, the combative stance he takes in arguments like I am an enemy, the way he makes me feel like I am trying to manipulate him or the conversation by just talking about how I feel in reaction to what he does, how he literally turns everything on me, the way he acts like we are going to break up every argument when he wants me to feel comfortable moving to Russia with him!! Am I going crazy or is this wrong??!!  I feel like I could literally punch a hole in the wall I am so frustrated.  He is the one making unhealthy decisions for this relationship.  I told him what I needed from him in the beginning, I told him I needed him to treat me the way I deserved to be treated and we both agreed.  I told him I could never move and abandon my life, family, friends, career, for him if things were unhealthy.  Well guess what they are! And I don't think it's my doing.  Last night he was mean and hurtful on the phone, told me that this time (cuz we have broken up a million times) it's ALL my fault.  That he did everything in his power to be with me.  Yeah, he was willing to pay for me to go there, found me some friends (wives and gf of his teammates), got me a driver so I wouldn't be afraid to go anywhere, fixed up his apartment, and changed his life style of partying and drinking (although I was never aloud to go partying and drinking without him).  But what about the one thing I asked him? the one thing I told him I NEEDED?  He never did that.  Which makes me feel like my NEEDS don't matter.  A simple, I will try to change, or when you get here everything will be fine is supposed to whipe the slate clean...over and over again?  He originally gave me a deadline in October of coming out to be with him three weeks after we started talking when i had just started a teaching job in a public school.  Things were great in the beginning but I wasn't sure if I trusted him to move to another counrty with no support ( my family and friends hate him, think he is scary), and then his true colors started to show.  So I put it off until x-mas, so I could finish the semester and not burn bridges with my job (you don't just pick up and quit a pubic school, I signed a contract of one year, it's complicated).  Then since the beginning of November we have been fighting and he has been pulling this shit over and over again.  Fights about the dumbest things that go the exact way I mentioned in the beginning of this entry.  So my faith was lost, x-mas eve he broke up with me because he had hung up on me and disrespected me days earlier and I didn't act like a spineless creature and I didn't call him back.  I felt that he owed me an apology and he should call me....needless to say he never called.  So on x-mas eve I sent him a text message.  Well, because I didn't call that meant I was out partying and that I was with another guy...so the dramatics entered and he broke up with me.  So needeless to say I never left my job because from day to day I didn't know if we were breaking up and I didn't want to leave my job then have him go crazy over something stupid and end up at home with no job, and no way of getting one cuz they would never hire me if I left like that.  So what the hell was I supposed to do??? He uses it against me now, when I told him he goes back on his promise that he would stop fighting that way and treating me unfair, he throws the "well you were supposed to be out here months ago and you get going back on that!".  So basically because I keep pushing back the date of going out there, it hurts him more and more, keeps us apart thus is the reason he acts the way he does.  So in the end it is all my fault, all because of me.  Does this make any sense or am I the one that has lost my mind?  I am seriously getting burned out. In my heart of hearts I know this is wrong, but he makes me doubt my judgement.  Sometimes I entertain the idea that this could be me, what do I do?  How can he be ok making me feel this way?  Why can't he just fucking apologize?  Show some empathy and responsibilty?  He wrote me this message today..."I don't know what to do with you anymore, your so unfair to me. Your actions hurt me and I am pushing away from you.  I wish you would fight that bad to come and be with me like you are fight about the fight on saturday.  I know how to treat you and if you don' believe me then just let me be by myself."  It's not about the damn fight!  I am loosing my mind!!!