Today I really feel like shit.  I had an argument with him about me coming to Russia.  He gave me the last and final ultimatum.  I brought up our fight yesterday and how he lost his temper, called me a disrespectful motherfucker, told me to FUCK OFF and hung up on me, told me to go back to my ex boyfriend and leave him alone, treated me like his enemy, screamed at me.  Basically everything he told me he would stop doing.  He told me to get over it and move forward.  That I had hurt his feelings too in the conversation and he is moving past it.  But I had apologized for hurting his feelings and never acted disrespectful.  I told him I needed to talk about it with him and he told me he will talk about it when I get to Russia.  Like he is in total control of when my feelings will be acknowledged, that's real fair.  I told him from the beginning that I would not except this behavior and he promised me that it wouldn't happen.  Then the ten times it's happened since, he tells me it won't happen again and blames it on the distance...what a crock of shit.  Distance doesn't mae you disrespectful, or oblivious to other people's feelings.  He knows that it hurts me, he knows that it drives me nutts and he just keeps doind it.  He knows that it puts doubts and concerns in my mind about moving with him, but he keeps doing it!! Why?  Why can't he just fucking be normal to me? And he acts like I am crazy for holding it against him, for making it an issue.  He tried so hard to manipulate the conversation away from that topic.  Every time I brought it up, he told me to "break up with him then", or that I was manipulating him, mind fucking him, trying to make him seem like a bad person. No matter what, no matter what he does it at the core is always because of me.  He blamed it on the distance again and said that his "good" behavior the five days he was home is sufficient enough evidence of how he will be with me.  We hadn't seen eachother in six months!  Of course things went well! He said by me bringing up the fight yesterday I was just using it as an excuse not to come.  Sounds like manipulation tactics to me...  Anyways, it just has such a negative affect on me.  Makes me feel aweful, he was telling me I am hurting him by not coming and stringing him along.  I feel bad, I don't want to hurt anybody and especially him.  I do love him, I don't want to be the negative force in his life.  But it just hurt me so much that he would go against his word like that again.  Like what I need and want doesn't matter.  I need him to achknowledge his behavior and my feelings, why is that so much to ask.  When he doesn't I really feel like I am crazy, like I'm some kind of alien from another planet.  His behaviors turn me against him because I really have to protect myself, then he blames me for my reactions.  Literally, every doubt I ever had about him, everytime I didn't take a step forward when he wanted me to is because I don't trust his actions and reactions.  I just don't, I think that's the problem..not me.  I was just never strong enough to let him go, that's what I am at fault for.  I don't think the two faults are equal.  I have no control when it comes to him, could never say no, or let him go.  That is all my fault.  I don't know how I am going to let him go, I don't know if I can do it.  He is going to make it seem like he is beetr without me, he already did this last convo.  When really I know I am the one better off, but for some reason I can't totally convince myself of this.  I think I really do look to him to validate and define me, I need to do it for myself..but I don't know how.  I don't know if I can live without him and give him to someone else.  We have such a connection, I know I will never have that with another person...but I think I am drawn to him for the wrong reasons.  The unhealthy reasons, the fix your childhood wounds the wrong way reasons.  I can only pray and search within myself.  I seriously have little faith in myself.  I have probably said this a hundred times before and never chnged.  As soon as I think he has moved on, I feel like I need him back. I can judge him for the abusive stuff he does, but seriously I'm just as messed up in different ways.  I think I really am the problem.  I hope tomorrow will be a better day but util I get this under control every day is going to be painful