28 hours gone
My mom called me this morning. I wasn't going to say anything to her for a few days. I wanted to be sure. She said "Are you okay". I lost it. I told her everything. My 78 year old amazing mother is doing all she can to take care of me. She got me a room at a much nicer motel - paid for the next 2 nights. She's coming to town tomorrow. She has agreed to co-sign for an apartment for me.
I am so extremely grateful. I know so many people don't have this kind of help & are still able to make it out. I can't let her down and go back to him.
My best friend called. I told her also. She has seen me leave him the last 3 times. She listened & offered for me to come stay with her. But her house is only 3 blocks from his, so that is not something I can do. I asked her & I asked my mom to please help me be strong to not go back. I said I don't want to go back, but I can't even really trust myself to not do it. My friend said I will help you, but even if you do, I'm still here. That made me cry. I am blessed to have these 2 wonderful women in my life. I am thanking God for them.
I went to the counseling appt. The therapist is urging me to go to the shelter, because of the support of other women and that it will get me to the top of the HUD list for housing. I am resisting the shelter. I don't know why. I just feel I need privacy for my crazy right now.
This motel even has a laundry area, so tonight I can wash the few clothes I brought with me. It's a large, quiet, safe room. Oh I am so grateful right now.
He hasn't contacted me. I am also so grateful for this.
Tomorrow I need to tell my two adult daughters. I'm dreading this because I know they have seen me do this before and then go back. I'm afraid they will tell me that they think I will just go back. They've seen me become less & less over the past few years. They love me, but I don't think they believe I am strong enough. Heck, I'm hanging on by my fingernails right now.
I don't want to go back. I would be a fool to go back. I don't trust myself though. I've let him convince me so many times before. He's not even trying to yet, but I don't even believe in myself. The counselor said I had been the recipient of a lot of psychological abuse. That I am a strong person, just by what I have already done. I don't feel strong at all. I feel so damn broken. I keep telling myself I can do this. I have to do this.
I am so extremely grateful. I know so many people don't have this kind of help & are still able to make it out. I can't let her down and go back to him.
My best friend called. I told her also. She has seen me leave him the last 3 times. She listened & offered for me to come stay with her. But her house is only 3 blocks from his, so that is not something I can do. I asked her & I asked my mom to please help me be strong to not go back. I said I don't want to go back, but I can't even really trust myself to not do it. My friend said I will help you, but even if you do, I'm still here. That made me cry. I am blessed to have these 2 wonderful women in my life. I am thanking God for them.
I went to the counseling appt. The therapist is urging me to go to the shelter, because of the support of other women and that it will get me to the top of the HUD list for housing. I am resisting the shelter. I don't know why. I just feel I need privacy for my crazy right now.
This motel even has a laundry area, so tonight I can wash the few clothes I brought with me. It's a large, quiet, safe room. Oh I am so grateful right now.
He hasn't contacted me. I am also so grateful for this.
Tomorrow I need to tell my two adult daughters. I'm dreading this because I know they have seen me do this before and then go back. I'm afraid they will tell me that they think I will just go back. They've seen me become less & less over the past few years. They love me, but I don't think they believe I am strong enough. Heck, I'm hanging on by my fingernails right now.
I don't want to go back. I would be a fool to go back. I don't trust myself though. I've let him convince me so many times before. He's not even trying to yet, but I don't even believe in myself. The counselor said I had been the recipient of a lot of psychological abuse. That I am a strong person, just by what I have already done. I don't feel strong at all. I feel so damn broken. I keep telling myself I can do this. I have to do this.
Replies
I am glad you have good support from your mum and friend and therapist. You are right, you can do this - you are doing this, you can keep doing this.
Hang on by those fingertips. Just get through this one moment at a time. Just from now till the next moment. The next moment is all that matters. You can do this. Keep telling yourself you\'re worth it. Keep reaching out. You need all the support you can get right now.