Tuesday, February 26, 2008
howdy all. i just wanted to let a few things out. overall i have been fine....however, i really have been feeling down and i cant shake it. really late friday night trey and i were talking. i asked him a question about something that happened awhile ago. he answered and at that time i accepted. but since then it has been on my mind. now i do this cruel thing to myself. i need to know answers...what, why, where, etc. if it doesnt make sense in my brain or if there isnt enough info...it will drive me crazy till i know, and sometimes i know i wont like the answer. so for the last few days i have been carrying this around. i wanted to talk to him about it last night...but i was afraid to. sometime when we have out talks...he gets all defensive and it turns into a fight leaving me feel even worse. he knows something is on my mind but he didnt push it which i appreciated it that. i really do need to talk to him and i will...but i know it probably wont be tonight. i have an after school class and by the time i get home, and after dinner, i will be too tired and probably wont have the strength to talk. it sucks though. i need to let this out to him...but we have really been getting along lately and sometimes the littlest thing will set him off, so i am scared. i know you all are going to say...basically suck it up and just get it off your chest and i will, but until then..its going to eat at me. i do this all the time to myself..wanting to know things that doesnt always have to do with me. this is only in my life with trey. i am not this way at all with others. i feel that being with somebody i care about and love to know end i should know things about him. he has been very honest about his past and although i dont like everything about it...i deal. i dont have the best past either. i have done way too many things that i regret...things that still affect me today. but when things do affect me in some way...i need to know. i know he didnt cheat on me or anything it just something else. so i get thru another day with my head filled with crap. i know i shouldnt let things get to me so much...but this is what i do. i torture myself. kind of defeats my whole taking care of myself. i know i need to self soothe but i am the type of person who needs to feel loved, to be needed, to be wanted, etc..and self soothing just doesnt always cut out. i know in some ways i am needy...but after all i have been thru, and with my past of constantly taking care of...i need my turn. i need to be taken care. i want to be treated the way i treat others. this has nothing to do with all of you here...this is stricly a relationship thing. its just so frustrating and sad. btw...i didnt get my new tattoo yet :-( . hopefully soon. it just didnt work out this past weekend. its a shame, because i could really use some constructive pain.
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