howdy everybody!!! i just want to start this journal by letting everybody know that i will most likely be visiting my parents in brooklyn this weekend. they do not have a computer...therefore i will not be online. i will not be able to see all of your hugs or give you guys any hugs. i will be returning sunday night, but i will be to tired and draned to reply to anybody...so i will not be able to reply till monday. im just letting everybody know. i love all of you guys and i will miss everybody so!!!!!about  my parents....i know this will be a bit of a stressful weekend. dont get me wrong...i love them...but they are very anxiety inducing. as is they are very loud. they are constantly arguing...even with me there. when i am alone with my mother...which is a good part of the time...she is constantly bitching about my father, her job, and loading me with questions about trey. when my father is in on it...he joins in on the inquisition. they worry about me, i know...but all the questions just stress me off. i try very hard to keep my voice steady and not show my annoyance, because on top of everything, my mother is super sensitive and i obviously dont want to upset her. i could go on about them for hours , but i am not. but i will add this, much of their quirks, behaviours, etc., i learned from them. my mom taught me codependency very well!!!!! i am also concerned with the fact that since i have been having panic attacks lately, im afraid i will have them there. my parents do not know about them....they will only worry more. and if i do, i wont have trey right there to hold my hand and help me the way he has been.going away for the weekend also means leaving trey which i hate. yes, space is good for us and i am sure here likes it as well because he can do whatever without hearing me. but deep down we really do miss each other. we both hate sleeping without each other. but most of all i do worry about him. i dont think he is going to do anything stupid to hurt me or anything. i worry about him. he does much better with me around. when he is alone...is when his brain just keeps going. he usually distracts himself by drinking and playing online poker(which i dont mind,) but the drinking does. i come to expect it and i deal with it. i guess i just worry that he will have a major panic attack and that i wont be able to be physically there to help him. yes we talk often on the phone and he will send me a million texts, but i cant help but to worry. back to my whole panic attack...i am worried, that trey will be worried about me having them as well. we love each other so, care about each other so, worry about each other so...but we are creating a nonhealthy cycle that we both need to learn to break. (something thats being worked on in couples therapy.)so thats the story. otherwise, i am so glad its friday. thankfully i have NOTHING after work so i can just relax and hopefully have a great night with trey. ttyl