to all my friends yesterday, thanks for being there. i am better this morning...but i am so friggin tired!i spoke to my therapist yesterday and he is going to see if i can be switched to a new psychiatrist that has better hours. the one i have now has such limited days and hrs and i can only see her when her kids are off from school. not convenientif i need more help. when i spoke to her yesterday, she told me to keep taking the klonopin and if things get bad, go to the clinic. the clinic? in nyc? i dont think so. i just felt as though she blew me off so i eally hope the other doc works out.after i got home yesterday, things were really quiet between trey and i. i guess he was just allowing me to settle in. after a bit he kneeled down beside me and apologized to me. he is having a hard time dealing with my new lovely and continual panic attacks. he hates seeing me in so much pain and is scared for me. he has many problems on his own and he depends on me to help....so i think he is a bit scared for himself as well.when he gets upset and frustrated he does not always handle things the right way. sometimes he just mkaes things worse because in his mind he cant fix things. this is something that we are working on in couple therapy. it frustrates him when i cry because he doesnt know how to make me feel better. he gets upset sometimes when he doesnt know how to make me feel better. ultimately its ot all his fault. he's been a certain way his whole life and he is trying so hard to change. i guess in all of his flings and relationships...i am his closest equal and dealing with me sometimes can be difficult sometimes even when nothing is wrong. once again his own issues being dealt with with his therapist.ahhhhhhhhhhhh between us we are such messes! he promises me to be better and said that i can always count on him...to never to be afraid to turn to him. he does love me so much...but it is new to him to see somebody he loves so much to go thru such a difficult time. last night when i was cleaning up from dinner, i had another one sneak up on me. i just sat down on the floor and tried to calm down. after awhile trey came to see what i was doing and saw me crying on the floor. he held out his hand and said lets lay together on the bed. i took his hand and we did lay down. he held me close and i cried against him. it did help. other things happened which i really dont have to explain...but overall, how he was for me last night was what i needed. i just needed to know he loved me to feel from deep down inside of him that he did so as well.i hope he will be ok today. i know it did upset him last night, but he didnt let it show. i hope he will come on here and talk, vent, spill, or whatever he needs to do to help that would help him.He doesnt go on here often, so if you havent heard back...dont take offense. he knows you guys are out there and care. i think he actually does have some comfort in the fact that there are so many out there for me, care about me, and support me.love you all. you guys mean more to me than you could ever possibly know!!!mindy