well last night i went to sleep trying my best to calm from a panic attack and this morning, i am not having one...but my insides are all speedy and my breathing is heavy. fun!!!i had my therapy appt yesterday. didnt have the right moment to have a full convo about it with trey...so i will go into more details after i talk to him. but as of now, my therapist thinks that my panic attacks stems from my past sexual abuse, memories of other situations that i suppressed until recently discussed, and dealing with a related issue in the semi and now present. actually to put it a bit better...basically things that i had to dela with since i was 4 through now...all the feelings, memories, guilt, shame, self justifuications, hurt,that i pushed to the back of my mind. all the times i swallowed my feelings, put them aside, to help others, to make things better, to avoid situations, to have other not worry about me, me not taking care of myself, ignoring, how i feel, burying things that make me feel uncomfortable, dealing with things in the present that bring back horrible memories from the past, etc. sorry if this doesnt make much sense but it is the best i can do for now. i have always put my feelings behind to care for others. i put things in the back of my mind to be able to deal with life. i put things in the back of my mind because it is easier to do so. well my subconscious caught up to me and is seeking revenge. it is nobody's fault but my own...i basically fucked myself andnow i have to pay the consequences for not taking care of myself. i guess just have to learn to deal with them and teach myself techniques to calm down....and hope i dont completely fall apart. i have my psyche appt in a couple of weeks and i will tell her everything. hopefully i wont need more meds, but i hope she will help me find ways to calm myself. she knows better than i do so i will have to trust her.all ,my life i have had low blood presure, but i truly believe that has changed considering everything. i too have a reg dr. apt in a couple of weeks.i hope and prey that this is just a fucked up phrase my body is going through. it feels so awful not being able to control your own body. one of the worst things for me in my panic attacks is my breathing. i get major palpatations, tightness of breath, creepy crawlies down the arms and a restlessness down my legs. not fun. im sure those of you out there who suffer from them, understand them.things last night was fine. i opted not to talk to trey yet because i need to be ready and i want him to be in the right mood. last night he got himself upset about some stupid things not related to me and when he saw that i was having another panic attack, he immediately thought that deep down i was blaming him for it...which wasnt true. things were said on both parts, he shut down and i went to sleep crying. i think he is just getting overwhelmed by my situation and last night in combination with what he was already going thru and all he id going thru, he just simply couldnt handle it. so what do i do now. go in the bathroom till it subsides? i dont mean to upset him and i truly hope that deep down he did not mean to upset me last night. i just dont know. i hate having these attacks, especially since they really came out of nowhere. i wouldnt wish them on anybody. i am not trying to take his illness away by having my own...and actually since i have been having these, i feel for trey even more. right now i need him so much...i just hope he can be there for me and not let his own shit get in the way. i just feel so down right now. i am shaky and my breathing is tight. i just want to curl up and cry. i would love to curl up and cry with trey ,(depsite the fact that he is sleeping,) i just dont know how he feels about me know after last night.so today...go to work, put on a smile, hope and prey for a good day. i have a developmental child evaluation to do afterwork. i just want that to go quickly and go home. i so do not feel like dealing with people today. i would so much rather be alone!
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OMG Mindy..i didn\'t know that..im so sorry. You know i love you and am always here..just a phone call away ok..i will always be available if you need me. You really need to start talking about that..maybe switch meds or something. I love you with all my heart, please don\'t hesitate to call me if you need to talk..
Oh Mindy, I am so sorry you are hurting Beautiful. You aren\'t alone in any of these feelings, and your thoughts aren\'t crazy sweetie. I\'ve been there. Please know that you can call me ANYTIME, and I will do anything and everything I can for you. You don\'t have to walk this road alone. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers...and so is Trey. I know you both will get through. I believe in you! ((((( Close gentle hugs )))))
sweetheart, my heart aches, that you are in pain. i\'m so very sorry that you are hurting. The negative past, isn\'t your fault! You didn\'t mess up! those awful things in your past, are not your fault Mindy! Trey is gonna help you, make it through this. We\'ll help you make it through this. We won\'t let you sink, we won\'t let you fall. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything i can do, please hun, let me know.
big comforting hugs :)
i will always be here for you.
thanks so much guys. i know that there are things in my past that wasnt my fault, but there were other times where i put myself into positions because i made my own justifications. i had put myself out there to be used and abused. i trusted people who hurt me. i kept doing this to myself when i was a teen...hoping the next situation/person would be different. i just wanted to be loved and to stop hurting...and all i did was hurt myself more. there really is so much fucked up shit that i went thru in my past....and with all in the present, i guess my mind cant really handle it all. suppression from the age of 4 is really quite a build up!
that ansures a lote to thing whith you and tryo love .i do know how you feel just message me any time .we have a lote incomen say no more you should know whot i meen xxxxxxxxxxxgail
You certainly have a lot on you plate Mindy. Ok Im the last one to give advice (only because I can rarely take my own!) but I do feel the need to tell you that yes your attacks can most certainly be due to being abused. Surviving abuse is not as easy as people think it is.
Medical problems can arise (high bp, panic attacks etc) but its what the person is willing to do to overcome. Im a firm believer in if the body is out of sorts (whatever the underlying cause)its usually because our chakras (energy vortexes in the body) are also out of whack. When we put everything (spirit, chakras etc) back in balance we find that our physical ailments disappear...we call this Dis-Ease...get it? Disease= Dis Ease....meaning we are not at ease with ourselves. Everything is about balance...harmony...we upset that, and chaos reigns.
I kid you not, meditation can help with this. Daily devotions....ritual....For instance....get a large peice of clay....mold it into your vision of the problem (meaning fears...doubts...or like ummm high bp, panic attacks) then take it outside to smash it stomp on it etc...put as much energy into destroying it as you can..and repeat as you do so \"I name you _____, and you have no power over me.\" Then call on your choice of Divine (Jesus, God, Goddess, whatever), and say \" I name this ______ and I release it into your hands...I asked to be released from_______..transform this negative into light!\"
But Mindy the trick is once you give it over to Divine you cannot take it back....if you do (of which I speak from personal experience), it comes back worse than it ever was and you\'re right back where you started. Hope this helps.
My sweet friend,I will pray for you to have strength.If you need me I am ALWAYS here.Peace to you.Lisa
thank you for all your comments. you are all so wonderful!!!
Anytime love! What are friends for if not to lift each other up when we\'re down?
In therapy, I have just started working on things that have been supressed since age 2... so you aren\'t alone. I just started this 3 weeks ago. We can walk through this TOGETHER! I love you!!!!!!!
Abuse hurts us on so many different levels. It\'s important that you focus on who you are (and not on what the past has caused you to be), whose you are (God\'s precious child), and the lives you have touched and blessed.
At least you know whats going on with your panic attacks. I\'ve been there and it will change. Its a time you have to go through. Understanding with therapy and your own experience will help. I wish you the best.