good morning all. its monday morning....bleh!!!! i would much rather be in bed still sleeping. i have my coffee and i am semi-raring to go. because of the school break, i am sure the kids will be nice and wild. i am thinking positively!!!!i am in a better mood. i had a great long weekend with trey. we got along so well. he cooked thanksgiving dinner which came out so well. yes i did help. wasnt going to let him do it alone. but let me tell you, our sink is FULL!!!. time to load up the dishwasher!!!trey made me a homemade birthday card which made me cry. it was sad, but sweet, and so loving at the same time. i truly appreciated receiving something for him that was from his heart. i am getting all teary thinking about it. i think i would like this to be a birthdaytradition for us. i know he will jokingly roll his eyes...but what does a cardreally know...its what is in your heartthat matters. yesterday i started to get a bit gloomy. besides having to go back to work today, i was leaving trey after spending all that time together. i didnt want it to end...for i fear things will get all messed up again during the week. i so hope not and he said he will try to be better. but there is something between his mood, our dynamic, etc. that affects us when i am not home during the day. i know he deals with things better when i am around. i help keep his mind busy and keep him company....even if we are not constantly communicating with each other. knowing we are together is good enough. i cant help but to feel apprehensive about it though. i love him so...i just hate our fighting...it kills me so much inside...especially after a good stretch. last night out of nowhere, i got a doosy of a panic attack. i tried to keep myself together as best as i could. i took a klonapin...tried to concentrate on breathing...held my chest...everything i normally do, but it just wouldnt stop.then i started to worry about trey seeing me this way. i didnt want to worry him and i think that worry just made things worse. the panic attack just wouldnt go away...i couldnt help but to start crying. trey let me have my space to calm down and eventually it did. took a couple of hours..but thankfully it eased up. it really wasso awful...i think it was the worstpanic attack i ever had and i have no idea of what caused it. i couldnt but to think of trey. what are his like? how much worse are they then the ones he has?i couldnt help but to feel for him. i only have them once i awhile and theyare usually mild.but to have them severe, sometimes 2-3 times a week...i just dont know how trey candeal withit. i know it is very hard for him. i can so understand why it depresses him so and makes him feel so bad. not being able to control your body.not being able to calm down. its so awful. and to think that somebody i love somuch goes through this. i am almost crying thinking about this. i want to just wrap my arms around him and make them go away forever. anyway, i had to lay down in bed and trey cuddled with me. it really meant alot to me. he didnt need to say anything, i felt his love and care for me...it was just what i needed at that time. i needed him to be close to me...and he was. trey i really love you for that!!