good morning all. wish i could say i am in a good mood and that everything is fine. apparently trey and i are going thru another rough patch...which totally sucks. he thinks i enjoy us fighting, but i truly dont. i know i have said some hurtful things and in retrospect i honestly do feel bad. i just have so much pent up anger and frustration that when we fight...it all comes out. i dont want him to go. i love him and i truly want to be with him...but it is so difficult. i feel totally spent. i am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, so many of you tell me that i m strong...but i dont feel it. i feel broken down and so sad so much of the time. i talked to my therapst about this and now he is concerned about me. he understands what i mean by broken and he's afraid that i am spiraling down. maybe i am i dont know. trey tells me that he wants the strong woman back that he met. yeah i can just switch to that. how can i when because of our relationship, i have been broken down so much. like i havent been thru enough in my llife, i have to continue the pattern of my own unhappiness.  well i want the trey i met back. the one who was strong himself. but was it an act. did he put on his charm and best behavior to just get me to be with him...or was he sincere. i just dont know. i hope he wasnt....but judging what i know about his past...that would not be a stretch for him. i know question everything and i am just so tired.now he doesnt want to do thanknsgiving, he feels what's the point. i hope he changes his mind because this would be our second as a family and if  we dont do this, it will really hurt. I WANT US TO BE A FAMILY! sat is my birthday, the only day i expect things to be all about me. why shouldnt i feel this way? instead, who knows what it will be like. will it be a crappy one like so many i had? i just need to have no expectations so that maybe this time i wont be disapointed. i just dont know what to do. i feel like just totally giving up, but i am too weak to do so. i love him so much and i want to be with him...but i am so tired of how things have been. will it ever get better? will he just give up. he threatens to stop therapy and his meds...i dont know if he is serious or just trying to punish me. lots of fucked up things were brought up in our last couple of arguments. im scared he will leave me. im scared he will give up on himself. i am scared for him....for myself. will i ever be happy in our relationship? will we even have a relationship in the future. will he ever see just how bad i am hurting? i sure hope so.  i know he'sgoing thru a lot of shit himself and trust me i hurt for him. i hate to see him this way...but i hate that, because of his frustration and anger, etc., that i get the brunt of things. i am so losing my patience with him. I NEED HIM TO LOVE ME THE WAY I NEED TO BE.  please!!!! i feel like i am dying a slow death and i need him to save me.i dont need anybody to worry about me..because like any other rough patch...i'll be fine. i need to be. this time it might take longer. i dont want anybody to be mad at him. our problems lie in our dynamic with each other. maybe we were never meant to be together or maybe we were supposed to save ourselves. who knows. but somethings gotta give.(i added this section a couple of hours later...i do not mean my journals to come off as me bashing trey. he can be such a wonderful guy. he can make me laugh and smile and when things are good, they can be really good and i feeli am so lucky he is in my life...i just wish i saw this side of him more often. i wish he would let me in more...let me be close to him, instead of keeping me at a distance. it hurts so badly.)  now i have question for all of you those who have said i was strong. i am just curious...what makes one strong? my therapist asked me this and i just couldnt answer him.