morning all!!!! i am in a better mood from last night so here it goes..............well first of all i attended a teacher development workshop which was totally useless and boring. throughout the day, i either spoke to or texted trey back and forth. he sounded fine and in good spirits. when i called to let him i was on my way home, i knoticed he sounded a bit funny and he cryptically said something to the affect of how he'll wait till i get home so i could be mad then. well that immediately got my wondering what was wrong so i asked him. he said dont worry he will tell me when i get home. now i am not one of those people you can do that to. you either tell me or you dont. you dont throw something out there and expect me to wait because my mind will go wondering andit will drive me crazy till i got home. i was standing outside the train station not bugding till he told me what was wrong. apparently he had 4 big panic attacks....something he never has to hide from me, however at that point i picked up why he sunded a bit off. he had been drinking...most likely a lot and i was right. i was pissed. yes i felt awful that he was having those attacks...i know they are not fun. if there was something i could do to make them go away forever, i would. but he did what he always does, self medicated with beer which threw me into a tizzy. on top of that, we had our couples therapy last night that i wound up canceling because he didnt want to go because he was drunk. that pissed me off even more. a little more than 3 hrs to our appt. and i had to cancel. i called her and left a message for her. i told her the truth and i am sure she heard the anger in my voice. when i got home 20 or so minutes later, he was really messed up. he tried to hug me and kiss me and i really didnt want to. his drinking is a huge issue between us. yes he has been doing better and i do appreciate that, but i hate how whenever somthing goes wrong...he reaches for a beer. for the next couple of hours he kept trying his best to make me smile and would constantly tell me that he loved me, hoping that my anger for him drinking would just go away and all it did was make me angrier. and then on top of that, he wanted me to go to the store and buy more!!! something of course i didnt want to do. he said he was in no shape to go out and he really wasnt. so of course i caved in because thats what i do. to keep the peace, i do what he wants. i wanted to get out for a bit anyway, away from  him so i decided to just go to bed bath and beyond to by an old friend a gift for her house warming on sat. i was there longer than expected and then i went to the store. an hour later i was standing outside of my door when he called wondering where i was. he opened the door and he was more messed up then from when i left him. so of couse i was more mad. im sorry if some of you think i was overreacting but as i said his drinking has been an ongoing issue between us and quite honestly from way before he ever met me....plus i have my own history of dealing with somebody who was an alcoholic and then i had to deal with his death because of it. so yeah, i worry alot about trey. i love him so much and i want the best for him, but i also want him to stop using a beer as a way of dealing with things. i hate talking to him when he is so messed up....i hate being around him when he is like that. i am also on guard because he can be a mean drunk...thankfully that was not last night. he knew how pissed and hurt i was and he tried all night to make up with me. every minute or so, "i love you," or saying silly things to make me smile. at one point all that did was piss me off more. saying those things do not make the issue go away...it masks it. it took awhile for me to just relax and calm down...but i was not a 100% better. so whats going to happen today? will he have another panic attack and resume his drinking? or will he drink because he felt bad because of yesterday? i wont know till i get home. i told him to never lie to me about when he has a panic attack when i am not home. yes i will be concerned about him but i wont be bouncing off walls about it. if he lies and hides it from me, everyday when i go to work and speak to him, i will be wondering if he is lying to me about it...which wil make me worry more. i have told him this so many times...but it just wont go thru his thick skull. i know he just wants to protect me...but i dont want him lying to me.i am sorry if i worried anybody last night and once again i am sorry if any of you think i overreacted...but if you were in my shoes and have dealt with all i have with trey, you would understand why i reacted like i did.bottom line is i worry about him. i love him so much and i am concerned about our future. maybe more than he even realizes. i deal with so much that sometimes i just feel like i am going to crack. im losing myself more and more trying to deal with him, take care, of him etc. and i hate it. i resent it. i just wish he would open his eyes and see this. i love him, he is my husband, but i will not have the life my parents have. i just hope things get better!