hi everbody...this journal will be different from my usualy posts. as most of you may know my hubby trey is here on ds (treyros.) I have been encouraging him continually to come on this site because i felt that the added support would be good for him. he's been coming on maybe once a week. yesterday he posted a video journal that i watched at work and was upset by it. we had a tiff earlier that afternoon and he brought something up in the video that pissed me off. now for the most part...he said what he said because that was how he was feeling....and i understand that that. it hurt to see him in that much pain. hoe can it not...i love hi so much. if i didnt things would be different now. but the one thing he said that upset me has been an ongoing thing between us and has been brought up in therapy and in numerous fights. he thinks i want him to be perfect which is not true. i do not believe in perfection. i dont expect him to be better over night. i dont expect his problems to just go away. these things do not happen therefore i don not expect them to. for some reason he has it stuck in his head that thats what i expect and he expressed it in his video journal. i made the made the mistake of calling him about that comment and we got into a big fight and he erased the video, which i did not ask him to do. i was so upset at work that it took me a long time to stop crying and relax myslef. i was on a 2 hr break at school for paren teachers conferences. some of my coworkers over hear my end of our fight and i am truly embarrased by it. my fault for not taking it somewhere else. at one point i was able to relax a bit but when a differnt coworker entered my room and saw that i was upset, she asked what was wrong, i just broke down in front of her. we were able to calm things down and make up shortly afterwards but i do feel bad. trey needs to express himself however he can even if it upsets me. since that is how he is feeling, i need to try and deal with whatever he expresses. you cant ever expect me not get upset, but i also dont want him to hold himself back for fear it will. if any of you read his last 2 journal entries you can feel the anger in one of them and despair in the other. so here is the problem. i know that several of my dear ds friends have reached out to him and i so do appreciate it. please treat us like seperate entities when we post an issue, a problem, or just venting. i want trey to get the same equal love and support from you guys that you have all given me...i believe he may even need it more than i do. i just dont want him to feel that he cant fully express himself because of mutual friends. trey many of the times has a difficult time opening up to me...and believe me it hurts so much. so if this site can become his safe haven, i want him to take as much advantage of it as he possible can and hopefully it can make some kind of a difference in his life as it had mine. i love trey so much. yes we have sooooooooooooooooo many issues both seperate and together. we are not the only ones. i want us to work out so badly. there are times where i do fear our future  is bleak and i dont see any point, but i hang on because i want the trey that i fell in love with back. that i believe is not too much to ask for. i do not expect it over night...but i hope sometime down the road. i truly miss that trey so much! now before i start crying all over the keyboard im going to end this journal. i want to thank again all my wonderful ds friends out there. i love you all for what you have done for me. i sure hope trey will get the same out f this experience as i have. i promise to him and to you all...i will not interfere with whatever he writes or as to what is written to him. if something truly upsets me, i will bring it up in a constructive way during therapy.