well i'd like to report to everybody that i had a good night....but i didn't. my hubby was in a really down mood so he did what he usually does when he gets this way...he shuts down and takes a nap. which is fine if that helps him. he got up at one point to go to the bathroom and saw me on the computer. (which shouldnt matter because this is what i do to keep myself busy, especially when i am down or upset and he's asleep.) anyway, he made a really uncalled for dicky comment which pissed me off. we had some back and forth of words and it turned into a BIG fight. he just decided to go back to sleep...and things got temprorarily quiet again. me the stupid moron did something i havent done in awhile...i cut my arm. i just nneded to feel pain and release...and i wound up feeling worse. he eventually woke up and things were fine. i dont know how it started again...but we were back in a huge fight. we both got really worked up...said some fucked up things to each other...except most of what i said was true..though it does not calm out so nicely. he does and say things that puts huge wedges between us...which pissis me off and hurts me even more. i do everything for him. since he is out of work, i pay for his therapy, meds, beer, whatever he wants...and what do i get in return? practicaly nothing. so yes, i get frustrated, resentful, etc...wouldnt you. anyway..he started to freak out thinking the cops were going to come. he said that if they came and took him away, he'd never forgive me. i said something not to nice...i hope they take you to the hospital. he's been hospitalized before and he hates it there. he hasnt been stable for a long time...i have to remind him like crazy to take his meds and even then he forgets. he drinks even though he is not supposed to on his meds and he can be so insensitive to me and my feelings. after practicaly screaming back and forth for about 10 minutes...he said he was going to leave. he has no money or anything, whare is he going to go? thanfully it was just to the roof terrace of our building. he grabbed his beer, cigs, and left. so im left here trying to calm down and what do i do? i cut myself more....which once again makes me feel worse. after about 45 minutes or so..my mind is racing. im worried that he was going to jump off the roof or something. part of me didnt think he would..but i couldnt shake that feeling. i rolled more cigs and went upstairs. our conversation was tense at first. i admitted where i was wrong....he didnt...but i guess last night i just wanted peace so badly i let it go. then we had a where do we go now convo. we get into these big fights every so often and it kills us. im not ready to give up...but i did tell him how i felt. that i couldnt spend the rest of my life this way. i cant keep giving and not get anything in return. i hate that he puts distance between us and it hurts all the time. i want...no i crave closeness to him so badly and all he does is push me away and make things worse when there is no reason to. he told me he pushes me away because he is afraid i will leave him. i guess if he pushes me away...it will hurt less for him when i leave. but duh!!!! if he didnt do and say th things he does..leaving would not be an option or consideration. he ruined every relationship he has ever been and i remind him of that. that i will end up just like the others. most of them hate him and want nothing to do with him. why make sure that i end up that way as well. this is my life too that you are fucking with!!!!! well we talked some more and things calmed down plenty. nothing is resolved...nothing will probably change, but at least things will be peaceful for a bit...hopefully. i try to be hopeful...and i get disapointed so often. i just wish he would open his eyes and see what he is doing to me and to us. yes i had my on baggage before him. my own problems and fears, etc. but everything was managable. since then, i've been broken down, have rage issues, cut myself which i hadnt done since i was around 19, on meds, in therapy, etc. i just want my old self back and stop crying all the time. i wish i didnt lovew him and worry about him so...it would be so easy to let go. but i am codependent..like my mom and i stay in misery because somewhere deep inside i have hope. call me stupid or optimistic, i dont know. i just hate living this way. things really do need to change...befor i lose myself completely and/or he loses me. now the ironic thing is that he is terrified of me leaving him. then why do what you do? why cant you just enjoy us? i am completely stupified.well i rambled on enough. im feeling better now...but still really down. i just want to be happy. instead i am just so tired. i just today to go quickly and have a peaceful evening. i would rather us not talk to each other than fight. im sorry that i cut myself. i shouldnt have done that. but im sure many of you understand why we do it. its not healthy....or anything, but in some fucked up way it helps. i promise i will do my best not to do that aymore.thank you to all of you that took your time to read this. take care.