i'm feeling shitty today.  yesterday i got a letter from my gastro and he dropped a couple of big bombshells.1:  he said that my daughter is not necessarily clear of hepc and that she should go for PCR testing for hepatitis C RNA.  so she may have it.  i'm praying she hasnt.2. he said that i can now apply for the stage 2 ex-gracia payment for compensation.  i havent received the first one yet.  i was only dx in sept this year.  but he says no, go for both.  this is the second and final payment for advanced liver disease, i.e., cirrhosis or cancer - leading up to end stage jargen!  i dont have cancer, (not of the liver anyway) but i do have cirrhosis.  i've known that for a couple of months, but when you see it in writing that your disease is advanced, its a shock to the system, one thats a bit hard to swallow. i dont know how this affects the prognosis but i guess it doesnt look good.i wonder how much the mind can take before it snaps?  i really didnt need that letter yesterday.  i wanted to relax and get my head round the surgery that i'm having on saturday, but i guess that was too much to ask for.  i have tried to remain soooooo positive throughout and i really do try to get on with a normality as much as possible, but sometimes it is hard.  yet here i am telling all you guys to stay strong!  how can i help everyone else if i crack??  i have to stay strong for my family.  three of the kids are still young.  they need me and they need the reassurance from me that mummy's gonna be ok. i am a fatalist and can usually get my head round traumas quickly.  i tend to find the positive side to everything and i think i've done well with all this crap so far, but god does push you to the edge at times!  i usually just accept everything that comes my way cos ii believe everything happens for a reason and whatever we go through makes us better ppl at the end of the day.  i've always believed too that god will only put on us an amount that we can cope with, no more, no less, so i guess that makes me pretty strong.  and i believe in karma.  what goes round, comes round, so must have been some nasty bitch somewhere in the past.i have 6 kids and they are all beautiful.  i love them dearly.  But again, what is it that i have done, or they for that matter to be cursed with illnesses?  the oldest one has AS and suffers constant pain.  another has had 46 life-saving brain ops.  he has been in coma after coma and against all odds has pulled through every time.  they now tell me theres nothing else they can do for him.  another has a heart problem and has had surgery.  she's also asthmatic.  now my oldest daughter might be afflicted with this god damn awful disease.  what the heck is going on in the world??????sorry guys.  it looks like a feel sorry for myself day today.  dont often have them.  i guess it must be getting too much for me with surgery just round the corner and worrying about that and the tx for it afterwards.  its the unknown thats frightening.  i dont know what i'm gonna feel like after surgery.  i dont even know for sure what they're doing exactly, but then they wont know that til they go in there and i dont know how long it will take for the docs to get the meds right afterward.  i'm hoping that i will be back to some sort of normality by xmas, but just in case, i've arranged for my son to cook the dinner.  we'll see eh.  i guess its another waiting game.anyway, enough said.  i'm gonna get some rest.  hopefully, now i've got all that off my chest, i'll wake up a different person.  if not, so what!!!!!!!  there's always tomorrow.  tomorrow's another day and tomorrow, i will make sure the sun will shine.i love you all...... thanks for allowing me to vent on here. i dont know what i'd do without you all.stay positive and keep smiling my lovely friends