its bright and sunny here.  feeling cold though, maybe that has something to do with the fact that it is autumn here or maybe its just me.  i'm always cold. so far, i'm having a good day.  the kids went off to school with no probs and i woke up with minimal pain thank god.  yesterday was hell.  new pain in chest area, front to back and kidney pain. i've only noticed this over the past week or two and its not every day it happens.  its obviously part and parcel of whats going on in my body, but i'm not sure which of my probs it relates to.  on the other hand it could be just that i did too much yesterday.   i had a busy day so maybe my body was just telling me 'hey slow down a bit'.  no worries.  today is good and thats what counts.  its all about accepting things for what they are and its the same throughout life.  we have to take the bad along with the good and deal with each prob as it arises.  it looks definite that my op wont be friday now cos they've arranged for me to go for an mri on fri.  i'm hoping thats a promising sign that the drs can do both ops in one, but i aint gonna hold my breath.  monday's not far away now.  they're gonna reveal all then and i will learn if i have ca and how large the cirrhosis is along with exact genotype.  i get collywogs and lotsa little butterflies in my belly thinking about it.  do i wanna know or dont i?  hmmmmm!  i only want to know the good news, but i know they will reveal all.  so 'go on' i say.  'hit me with it.  i can take it.'  i goddamn have to!  yeah, i do get angry cos its their fault i have this prob, not mine, but i'm left to deal with it.  i'm the one left fighting.  i'm tired of fighting.  i've had to fight all my life.  but this is the ultimate fight.  its gonna be a big one.  it already is and i dont even know exactly what i'm fighting yet.  monday's the day tho.  monday i will know.  my kids are worried sick and i dont know what to say to pacify them.  i have never lied to them and i dont wanna start now, especially now.  they keep asking questions that i cant answer.  lately the questions are like 'mum, are you gonna die?' and all i can say is 'not if i can help it.'  i cant tell them no.  i just try to give them hope and explain that whatever the problem is we will work it together.  i have told them that this is just the beginning and that the real fight hasnt started yet.  also, that it is gonna be a big fight, but that we should all stay positive and support each other through it all.  my 6 kids range from 31 to 11 and funnily enough, the younguns seem to be more understanding and acceptable of the situation than the older ones.  they dont cope so well.  they cant cope.  'mum doesnt get ill.  she's too strong.  she's always been there for us.'  and it goes on.  it hurts to see them upset, but what can i say to heal their hurt?  i have no good news to reassure them.  i seem only to get bad news when i see the drs.  i can only give them hope in that we will fight it as a family and that now, more than ever, we need to unite.  when i started writing this i didnt realise i was gonna go down the road of the kids.  i guess, it was just something else that i needed to get out of my system.  i will find a way round it now, now that its at the forefront and find a way of helping them through this, cos although i have the probs, we're all going through it.  i'm sure there are lotsa other mums in similar situations and i will them all the best with their younguns.if it wasnt for this site, i wouldnt be able to offload my worries.  thank god for this site!  thank god for you guys:)