Hi,.. Well, Today was kinda a wasted day, I woke up with a headache, I don't get them often but when I do I hate it, and since I don't get them often there was nothing to take in the house for it, I went to the Target and got some Alieve, and after resting it took care of it. I rested several hours, so the day was basically wasted, I need to get to the Libruary tomarrow,.. I am off of work tonight, and it feels good, Im off tomarrow as well, then I work all week long except tuesday got that off for the Support group.I feel like Im a bundle of Emptyness just filled with questions and have no place to turn to get answers, Then I have Conflict I must figure out how to deal with. Maybe I will ask you here in time if I get brave enough.Courage and Bravery is harder to have these last few months...I miss carole but someone here told me it's not fair to Teresa to miss carole, but I do awfully so, it's like there is this giant Pit in my belly and a giant piece of me is now missing and i probably will never be whole again.My dad said there was nothing anyone could of done for Carole, I guess I will have to get some resolve to believing that was and is true.I still feel so bad not knowing or telling her she was dieing, I always told her she would come home, and things would be much better and no more hospitals, the last few days she started shaking her head no, I think somehow she knew something was going terriably Wrong...I got the thank you letter from MDA today for giving them her two power scooters, Im sure she would of agreed and wanted to do that to help others with her condition, but she really loved the one unit sure did, really did but now maybe someone who needs it will have a better life assisted by it as she was.I have not had any signs lately from Carole and it is leaving a bigger void in my soul, I hope to see any soon, any, just any,.. Where could she be, I hope she is allright...Im begining to realize that I don't like this life, and that this world is cruel and unfair and Im going to welcome my death the day it comes and I don't fear any illness anymore, Teresa will not like to hear my goodbye but I know she can manage without me Unlike Carole..I just hope she does not go back to that brother, they were taking advantage of her for many years... yes she is so innocient she does not even realize when someone is trying to pull the whool over her eyes and trusts family so much when it has become clear she should not of trusted them so... so as long as Im alive I will protect her from"them"..Well, onward there is some night left, I hope everyone is doing ok,.. I went to the shrink today and that's really a joke, he does No counsuling, and is really Zero Help, he only has me see him a Maximum of 15 Min if that,. he askes how things are going, then fills out scrips that I don't even need cause the Insurance company sends meds without them, but I take them anyway, and then he says see you again in 2 months,. and I know it will be an Instant Replay hardly worth the drive there and I know insurance is paying him 80 bucks for that each time..He keeps asking how the meds are doing if there ok, and Im not sure actually I just say yes, but told him tonight I think Im going to try to take my risperdal a little eariler, it helps me keep my tounge when Im with managers or the Boss, I have found it helps me not to talk back don't know how or why but know just that 2mg a day helps.My head is cleared so I can gather thoughts and think first before panicking and speaking..I miss carole, I feel I could have millions of friends and a good family and I still would be lost without her... strange concept, but I feel it is a true one.. Oh, a man came to group, he didn't want to talk at first but eventually did, I am in Aww of him, cause my dad will not go to a group and this man is the same as dad, a 54 year marriage and lost his wife,. im glad he is there and hope he comes back, wish my dad would seek some support and not try to bare it all himself.. Nite.. Michael