Hi. I found this place today, and I feel i might of been guided that it was not just by chance that I found this Online support for daily Strength.I don't think Im really a good writer, but Im trying this opening up a Journal, alot has been going on in my life, and Im very upset and a flood of emotions are rushing through my soul and Im scared and not sure how to control them or what to do.Several Months ago I lost my Mother to a Pulmanary Embulism when she had just beat cancer, I always thought she would outlive me,.. and in the final days I didn't know if she really knew i loved her and I wonder about that still..My Companion of 21 years fell sick, and went into the hospital, she got worse and had surgery, and that caused several other complications, and she went through getting better then worse, and last friday I lost her, I thought strongly she was going to get better and come back home but the hospital they forced me to have her transfered to, just sat and let her die, they didnt do anything, she lost blood pressure and there was nothing I could do, I tried to have her transfered back to the regular hospital but her heart stoped at the time I got the call she was accepted to go back.Im not sure now why she lost the bp and her body went into shutdown mode, I always told her she would come home, We loved each other so deeply, Now i don't know,there seems nothing I can do anymore and I ask the whys, and i wonder if only i acted sooner and saw this coming and had her transfered would she of lived or just died at another hospital but I know they atleast would of tried and not of let her just lay there and die.My work is the same, I wanted time off but i need the money even more now with the loss of my loved ones income but work expects to much still, I jepordized it today by changing my hours tonight, I did a favor for them this morning and feel I need a few hours to myself and im deserving of this but they know my loved one is gone so there is not that excuse that I needed to be at the hospital, and will they except the excuse that I needed a few hours in the day to myself, I will try not to worry about this but i will.As I said I have a flood of emotions,.. I ask myself if I could die then would I join my loved one back in heaven and things will be all better again,. then my friend says she would not of wanted that,.. then I wonder what my passing would do to my father especially so soon after my moms death,.. and he really showed me great love I didn't think of my loved one passing and had no money and my dad broke as he is loaned me the money to take care of my loved one.She had gone into Septic Shock a 2nd time,.. but it sounds like the ME was looking at bleeding in the brain she had at the old hospital when they gave blood thinners,.. an answer to this why will not comfort to much but it will solve 1 why.. I will go back to work in a few hours I do inventory and hate the store im doing tonight but think I can get through it it will be long hours tonight even though im going in 4 hrs later. and then I will have to watch my paycheck when it comes, the last time I did this favor for them they deleted my time punches and i didn't get paid Im looking for that on my next check, but don't wish it to happen again i must remember to watch the check stub, yes they will make you work for free if they can get away with it, as it is they do not allow breaks and where we work there is usually nothing to drink not even water for several hours but its a realitivly easy job. very part time hours fluctuate from zero to 30 a week.Well that's about it for tonight,... i hope to visit here regularly.Nite...
Replies
So sorry for your losses. I am sure your mother knew you loved her. We mothers just know things like that, no matter what. So sorry about your companion too. That must hurt so very much. You did come to the right place at DS. Alot of folks here have been through the same and know exactly what you are feeling. I lost my adult 33 year old daughter July 5th of this year, lung problems. Sometimes I find myself wondering why it happened. She was in ICU for 2 months. She was getting better. I still have questions. I am thinking about getting all of her records from the hospital. Then I think, what good would that do me now? She had many other physical problems and I believe she is in heaven now and healthy as can be. I too have thought how much I would love to be with her, but I wouldn\'t want to die so soon and leave my husband and oldest daughter. That is just too soon and perhaps selfish of me. So I am taking one day at a time and healing with the help of my family. God bless you. You are in my thoughts.
Carol
Terrible times you are going through and my heartfelt condolences being sent your way. This is the only thing I don\'t understand about life, and that is that we must lose loved ones and live with the pain. Take care friend, and I wish you PEACE - Diana