Move on, they say. She'd want you to be happy. Your daughter deserves to have a mommy, even if it isn't the one who gave birth to her.
Move on.
I did. I met someone, without asking, without looking. It was unexpected. It was beautiful. I opened the door to my heart and let her in. Slowly, cautiously, I allowed myself to fall in love again. After all, everyone said it would be a good thing...
Now I am trapped. She's expecting my child. Moving in together is the sensible thing to do. After all, we're in love, aren't we? Why would we do anything other than be a family and raise our child together?
Because there is an empty hole in my heart! My love, my darling! My beautiful red-haired angel who reached out to my troubled, seventeen-year-old self, and taught me what love was. My darling who stood by me through depressions, PTSD, addiction and suicide attempts, who taught me that there really are people in the world you can depend on, if you're lucky enough to find them. My love, who taught me the difference between sex and making love, and how beautiful and safe intimacy could be, if shared with the right person. My saviour, lover, mother of my child, and eternal soul-mate. How could I ever have imagined that anyone else could even come close measuring up?
How do I tell the mother of my unborn child that I'm not ready for this commitment? How could I walk away from this? How do I go back to being alone and lonely, without her warm arms around me? Do I really want to live without her?
I don't think so. I imagine life without her and it seems bleak and empty.
Do I settle for the lesser of two evils?
Move on.
I did. I met someone, without asking, without looking. It was unexpected. It was beautiful. I opened the door to my heart and let her in. Slowly, cautiously, I allowed myself to fall in love again. After all, everyone said it would be a good thing...
Now I am trapped. She's expecting my child. Moving in together is the sensible thing to do. After all, we're in love, aren't we? Why would we do anything other than be a family and raise our child together?
Because there is an empty hole in my heart! My love, my darling! My beautiful red-haired angel who reached out to my troubled, seventeen-year-old self, and taught me what love was. My darling who stood by me through depressions, PTSD, addiction and suicide attempts, who taught me that there really are people in the world you can depend on, if you're lucky enough to find them. My love, who taught me the difference between sex and making love, and how beautiful and safe intimacy could be, if shared with the right person. My saviour, lover, mother of my child, and eternal soul-mate. How could I ever have imagined that anyone else could even come close measuring up?
How do I tell the mother of my unborn child that I'm not ready for this commitment? How could I walk away from this? How do I go back to being alone and lonely, without her warm arms around me? Do I really want to live without her?
I don't think so. I imagine life without her and it seems bleak and empty.
Do I settle for the lesser of two evils?
Replies
Its normal to feel trapped and have cold feet when a child is expected. You need to do the best thing by all of you, the child, yourself and her. I don\'t know who the red haired angel is or where she is now, but it sounds like you are holding onto an impossible dream from the past and will not allow yourself to move on to the future.
Thank you darkenedheart. The angel is my late wife - we met when we were only 17 and 15 respectively, and were together since until she passed away in October 2009. I miss her so terribly...