27 years already?!
Yesterday was the date 27 years ago my sweet little Jerred became an angel. I could not be here my emotional state could not handle it. I was reliving every horrendous moment of that day he drowned. I relive all 4 days of this week every year. I don't know if many of you do but many of the moms I know who are angel moms do also. What makes it harder for me is I have no one to share it with, or help make it easier. There is only some of the day of the funeral that I have blocked. The last I remember is screaming NOOOOOOOO when they closed his little casket. Then my memory comes back after I had eaten some lunch and my youngest son was brought to me. I have been told that I would not leave the cemetery until he was buried.
When I told my psychologist that this happens every year he said well we will have to work on that you should be over it by now. I said you really do not know a mothers grief at the loss of her child do you? He asked what I meant. I told him we lose not only our child but a part of ourselves. That baby grew inside of us our bodies changed and we felt it move and hit and kick, then we pushed it out while it was still attached to us by the umbilical cord. So you see we truly did lose a part of ourselves and that is not something you get over. The look on his face was priceless and he did apologize and said he had never thought about it like that but I was right. I see him tuesday again funeral day and am going ro ask him if there is any way we can unblock my mind as I do want to remember it all.
To those who have sent me hugs thank you si very much I fekt each one.
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH JERRED!!!
Replies
It's so hard...SO HARD!!! Twenty seven years...just doesn't seem possible does it?
I'm glad you were able to voice your heart and your truth to your doctor. And I'm so glad he was able to HEAR you, and to apologize and to see with his heart the truth of what you shared. I was ready to punch him, then I wanted to hug him!
Jerred IS remembered, IS loved, IS missed, and forever will be until that day comes when you shed your earth suit and join him "there". Until then, I wish you every measure of peace, comfort and JOY possible as you continue your human experience.
Tightest of heart hug dear friend~
Teri
Oh, Susie, what you are feeling and reliving IS what so many of us experience, I know that I do. I must admit some years it comes chasing after me with more of a fury than others. There is no rhyme or reason to it, yet it just IS. When I remember that I am not alone in what is coming into my heart and mind it eases some of the sting and sorrow.
Isn't it amazing how we are always learning, growing and evolving? You offered a "lesson" in that moment and how can anyone truly know who is not walking this path? Your psychologist will ponder this and hopefully incorporate it into his ways of BEing with others in loss.
May you know that you can always come here day or night to express what is in your heart and it there is always sacred space that is created around it. No one will ever tell you that what you are feeling is "wrong" or that you are "stuck" or that you should be feeling something else. We will nod our heads quietly and say, I know this feeling as well and together we'll keep walking. Hand in hand, Heart to heart always.
Loving care your way dearest Jerred's mom from Douglas and me.
Oh Susie, such trauma you experienced when your little Jerred passed! We never get over the pain of losing our child but the pain changes, we change & we learn to integrate the tragedy into our lives. It is good you were able to educate your doctor and great that he listened. Sending you tons of love and much love also to dearest Jerred, Linda