Confused
I know how to respond to an addict ~ tough love, no money etc. But how does one react to someone that has both a fragile mental illness and alcoholism? I find myself being so much more careful and nervous on the inside but outwardly I am respond to my son as if he were just an alcoholic. He's not happy with me.
For instance - he asked if he could work around the house to earn some money so that he could buy his friend a birthday gift, some food (he told me offered to cook, too, at the cook-out party) and cigarettes. Well, I told him he could and he worked hard and fast. He did a lot. Then a voice in my brain heard what he always says to me "Mom, I couldn't drink because I don't have any money". So then I offer to go with him to the grocery to buy what he needs (I had already bought him smokes) and he said no. He said that I didn't follow through on our agreement and that I'm trying to control him. So he wasn't about to beg me and then asked my husband for money. After reflecting on what he said, I know he is right. I should have followed through. He said he'll drink anyway but he's very "careful". Whatever. I need to figure out how to relate to him. This one isn't as clear. Or maybe it is?
For instance - he asked if he could work around the house to earn some money so that he could buy his friend a birthday gift, some food (he told me offered to cook, too, at the cook-out party) and cigarettes. Well, I told him he could and he worked hard and fast. He did a lot. Then a voice in my brain heard what he always says to me "Mom, I couldn't drink because I don't have any money". So then I offer to go with him to the grocery to buy what he needs (I had already bought him smokes) and he said no. He said that I didn't follow through on our agreement and that I'm trying to control him. So he wasn't about to beg me and then asked my husband for money. After reflecting on what he said, I know he is right. I should have followed through. He said he'll drink anyway but he's very "careful". Whatever. I need to figure out how to relate to him. This one isn't as clear. Or maybe it is?
Replies
I understand how you feel. My daughter too is an addict and has a mental illness. It is not easy to deal with both of these sicknesses. Have you looked into any mental health agencies in your area? I know of one but I can\'t remember the name of it. It is written down at work. I will send it to you tomorrow ok. if they are going to do drugs or alcohol it doesn\'t matter where the get the money they will get it. I try to keep my daughter busy so that she doesn\'t think of the drugs and the life she had. It doesn\'t always work but it helps a lot to keep them busy. I will be praying for you honey. Keep your head up and I am here if you need to talk.
omgg, what a learning curve to go through....am just at the beginning of this with my son and his gambling.....follow through - but how - you want them to tell the truth and be honest but then they manipulate....*sigh*.........take lots of care of yu..xxxxCAthrynnXXX
I was sure there with the money problem when B was in his teens. And so was old Open-Wallet Dad. It was a huge source of contention.
But the money is sort of symbolic of what you want for your son. Yeah, he was right, and they always are right on when it comes to getting what they want. That\'s the addict part.
No kidding, it\'s confusing dealing with both problems at once. For a while, B was diagnosed a bipolar also. And I took it all on, and took it in, too. And not fun.
I guess one has to stick with the basics of expecting them to follow their responsibilities, and that\'s plenty for someone with dual disorders to do. I guess giving them respect on the one hand to help them deal with their disorder, and staying clear on the other hand to help you deal with their addiction to alcohol. It\'s sort of a split existence as a parent. Not that I was any success at it, but I think the parent just has to be the best parent they can be at the time.
I wish I was more hardnosed, looking back. I still debate with myself over that too, though. It\'s just a series of tough calls.