I'm Back
As some of you might have figured out, I had intended to commit suicide. A friend got in the way. I emailed my best friend to say goodbye thinking by the time he read it I'd be dead. An hour after I sent it, there was a knock at my door and 3 policemen with their cars. They asked to step outside,,,if I was having problems,,and had I sent that email. After admitting I had threatened suicide, they said I had to come them. They took me to MHMR, Mental Health, Mental Retardation, where I was evaluated. The people at MHMR said I would have to stay overnight for another evaluation. That changed late Tuesday afternoon and I was sent to the state mental hospital in Austin. I spent yesterday getting all kinds of tests and after talking with a psychiatrist we decided the trigger of my thoughts and they were the same as the two times I tried before,,,loss of job and money. The state paid for a bus ticket home and I will report to the local MHMR this afternoon. My sisters are helping me with my problems now and things should clear up. Thank you for your prayers and support. I will not do this again.
Replies
Whoa un! I havent really been on awhile, but when I read this!.......I, too, had thought of \"kicking my own bucket\" and actually tried a few years ago. Best wake up call ever. To think that life seemed so damned dismal. You need to let those around you help you. The \"system\" sucks big ones, I know. I understand you\'re not wanting to ask for help. But there comes a time...and it is now. What would Foxy do without you? She is your family too. You are her daddy. Dont toss her to strangers who might not give her that loving home you do, the care, the nurture, the family. And Mr. Foxy\'sdad, dont you know how many of us shmucks you help on a daily basis???? Thru-out your trials n tribulations, you have always been there for us. Never, EVER, sell yourself short. Never. Love to you sweet man. Hang in. It WILL get better. Give others the chance to lift you up financially and spiritually. xxxxx LInda
You did what you felt was your only option and this forced you to \'connect\' with someone that caused an \'intervention\' to take place. Medical documentation of this and all follow up care can be used to assist you in achieving social security disability benefits. However, you will want this to be SECONDARY to your actual disability because many with \'mental health\' issues are not given LONG TERM disability and are often dropped from benefits the moment some mental health worker decides you are not ill enough to be disabled. However, if the mental health issues are as I have, situational depression that is \'SECONDARY\' to my disability of CFIDS then the depression HELPS enhance my disability of CFIDS and those times I am not as depressed I don\'t have to fear losing my benefits as I have been completely disabled with CFIDS for the past fourteen years now but have only had depression after the death of my husband when I was faced with surviving this alone without a good income and the good love and support that came from my husband. If I were receiving benefits under depression as being the \'primary\' disability I would lose benefit the moment some mental health worker did not see me as so depressed any longer and I would also have to attend \'regular\' mental health appointments at least once each week and with my disability I am able to leave my home only about six times in a year so once a week mental health appointments would leave me with having my benefits cancelled simply from my not keeping these weekly appointments. Also, these once each week appointments would require my driving to these appointments and PAYING the co-pays for each of these appointments. Make sure you have all of this documented in your medical records and it may be helpful in establishing disability benefits with social security and this would bring you Medicare for the medical but try to have the mental health issues SECONDARY to your PHYSCIAL disability as to your heart, knee and overall exhaustion from illness as your PRIMARY disability and that way a mental health worker that may not feel surviving on disability is good for your long-term mental health, and there are many mental health professionals that feel disability benefits actually hold people back from achieving success in life, cannot have your disability benefits cancelled on you and declare you are not disabled ENOUGH for such benefits.
Talk small steps and allow yourself to \'process\' the \'garbage\' life is tossing at you. Be very kind to your \'support\' system as these people are your \'life-line\'.
My only lifeline, First Baptist Church, Stockton, California, gave me a sentence of death over the past nine years of my facing illness, disability after the death of my husband left me to survive, often ill in bed, alone. They have my money on their balance sheet and I have their sentence of death hanging over my life until I can find a viable support system. I accept reality as it IS and this is how I was forced to learn that the \'bible-god\' I had believed in was not there for me in my need and therefore was simply \'NOT THERE\' at all. It was a heartbreaking reality to face but facing it has saved my life where I would now be dead had I kept with a faith system that had no presence or \'power\' of existence. I am now healing and finding joy and happiness in life but it took facing REALITY before I could find my way to this good life. It came down to keeping my faith and accepting death or seeing that I had believed in what proved itself repeatedly, 100% since the death of my husband to be not true and it was at that moment I found a life worth living free from a false faith that had left me for dead for nine years. I now understand god as what brought existence into reality and then this god joined that reality at that moment. There are NO magical, mystical, invisible beings and it is the natural laws that were brought into existence at the beginning of time that rule everything that is in existence -- that is why we must rely on money and people that have actual love and care for us to survive as there simply are no magical, mystical, invisible beings that are going to \'visit\' us in our need and provide ANY tangible care for us in or desperation. Those people that have people in their lives that love and care for them are the only people I know that can experience the love of magical, mystical, invisible beings because it comes through those people that do the loving and caring. I am happy for them and their found faith and simply hope they NEVER are faced with coping totally alone while being ill and disabled or they, like me, will be forced to learn a very painful lesson of reality through the heartache of being left for dead by what proves itself to be NOT REAL.
You may feel the need to end your life at sometime in the future but you can use that \'energy\' to guide you to finding solutions as you are now in the process of doing. There is nothing \'wrong\' with these feelings and if we simply embrace them and understand them as the \'life saving\' guidance we need we would understand that it is not about wanting to end our lives at all but only a desperate attempt to find a way to cling to life when we are \'out of ideas\' on how to survive and live well. You want desperately to LIVE WELL and that is what led to your feelings of despair and this forced you to reach out for help when you felt no ability to continue on your own the way your life was now going.
You WANT TO LIVE not DIE and that is TRUE of EVERYONE faced with ending their life. My knowing I have an EXIT door to this nightmare I am surviving alone after the death of my husband allows me to embrace life and find joy and happiness. It is what allowed me to face the REALITY that the faith I had for a lifetime was only valid as long as I was surrounded by those people in my life that loved and cared for me and were there for me in my need. I simply had to face the reality that without those people in my life that actively loved and cared for me that there are NO magical, mystical, invisible beings AT ALL and I am left to EMBRACE REALITY as it IS and I now am FREE of living my life based on LIES that proved themselves to be UNTRUE. I NOW LIVE and have JOY and HAPPINESS because it is based 100% on REALITY and not MYTH and FABRICATION. I now LOVE my LIFE!!
You are in my thoughts and I wish for you the best. Take VERY GOOD CARE of yourself.
((hugs)) Patricia
hey, i\'m so sorry to read this. dont really know you...but do know that i hate knowing that you felt this way. i dont understand why there are\'nt easier ways to find help for people in need.
that is a good thing about this site...given time...or if you reach out...there seems to be so many people htat can help you think things out.
if you ever feel like this again...feel free ot message me. im more than willilng to try to help any way i can.
in the meantime. take care of yourself! good luck to you and foxy!
glad to hear it i was so worried with what you were going to do. just know i am ere if you need to talk. give foxy a big hug from me both of you can need it huggggs to you i am so proud of you for getting the help you need it isn\'t easy.
NO! Please dont ever try that again! As someone said, what will happen to Foxy without you?
And your death isnt your answer!
In spite of all the hardships, heartaches and miseries this world is a sweet place.
I doubt there is one person lying dead under a mound of dirt in a cemetery who wouldnt,
given the opportunity,
gladly live your lifestyle with all your troubles, problems and strife\'s instead of being in The City Of The Dead.
And you are very dear to some of us.
yesterday