My grandmother is a lot worse now, she has been vomiting dried blood and it has also been in her stool. She has a GI bleed. She has had it since January. It's not that bad, she hasn't bled out or anything, so that is good. I guess it is finally sinking in that she is really going to die soon. The past two nights have been horrible because she has been is so much pain. She is on liquid Lori tab, but that just hasn't been working lately. My grandpa and I were up all night with her trying to make her more comfortable.  The nurse came today and put her on morphine. She was pretty loopy, and just really anxious about everything. She is finally asleep now, thank god. I am beyond the point of burned out. My car was in the shop for a couple of months, so I literally did not leave the house at all during that time. I just got it back yesterday, so that is a relief. We used to have a woman come in two days a week to stay with them so I could get a break, but we had to let her go because of financial reasons. So, I am here 7 days a week. I don't have a social life anymore. This whole situation is just so depressing. When I moved here, I knew that it would be hard, but I guess I didn't really grasp how bad it was going to get. My dad said that things were only going to get worse, but I guess I thought that when things did get really bad that he would help me out some. He comes down here for like 5 mins a couple times a week. He lives 20 feet away. I just feel overwhelmed because I feel like I am alone down here. I have to deal with everything, the nurse, the social worker, repositioning her every 3 hours, her medicines, changing her diaper, fixing meals for my grandfather, cleaning the house, doing laundry, taking care of his horse, keeping the yards cut, and taking online classes. I am actually falling behind on my school because I have been so freaking stressed and that is the last thing I want to deal with, even though it should be one of my top priorities. When I do have down time, I don't really want to spend it studying. I had so many aspirations when I moved here. I was thinking that i would use this time to get my degree and license , and move to San Diego (where my brother lives) and start a new life. But, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I am not excited about anything anymore. But, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I worked two jobs and went to school full time when I lived in Charleston, but it was easy compared to this.
I know I don't get on here a lot. I just get on here when I really need an ear or just to read posts about people who are feeling the same way I do. We are all in this together. And I know that whatever happens is in the hands of nature or a higher being or god. But I just wanted to say to everyone who has supported me in the past or will in the future, Thank You So much! It is a great feeling to know that you are not alone.