First Entry
It is funny sometimes, when I look back at the girl I was when I first met my husband. I was the farthest thing from the "Good christian girl" his parents had dreamed for him, and he was the farthest thing I had ever dreamed of dating. Oh, we were good friends. We met online, introduced by other friends and as we were both avid gamers, our friendship took off.
I had no idea what God had in store for me. If someone had said to me; "Maggie, you're going to start dating him, get baptized, and get married all in the space of 4 months", I would have told them they were crazy. I had railed against God for years- He had abandoned me, and I wanted nothing to do with him, or the hypocrisy in the Church or its members. What I didn't know was, I had been searching for Him desperately all those years, and in my quest for other religions, I always kept looking, never satisfied. By the time I met my husband, I had been forged by the fires, and was finally ready to listen, even if I didn't know it yet.
If someone had also told me that I would be in the ranks of the chronically ill, and that 4 days before my 30th birthday, I would be told that all chance of ever conceiving a child would permanently be taken away, I wouldn't have believed that either.
When I was 22, I was diagnosed with PCOS, which, by that time, so much scarring had been done to my reproductive system, that they told me that conceiving was going to be less than a 1% chance. I knew that. We were fine- we've always felt the call to adopt because there are so many children already born who need homes and loving parents. We weren't ready to adopt yet, so, it didn't matter. Besides, any woman in my shoes knows you always hold out in the back of your mind that God can do anything He wants, and as long as you have your reproductive system, well, miracles can happen.
Well, a month before my 29th birthday, my GP sent my to a Gyn. because I hadn't had a cycle in 2 and a half years. I had just joined this practice with my GP, so, she was adamant that I go. Short story- I ended up being diagnosed with Endometrial Hyperplasia. I was put on a horrifying hormone I had taken before that causes mood swings that would turn even a saint into a psycho, and that's just the tip of Medroxyprogesterone.
Unbeknownst to me, life was about to get a whole lot more interesting. In late Oct., I noticed what I thought was a blister on the bottom of my 2nd toe on my left foot. Condensed version? 5 weeks later 2 toes were black and covered in these sores, and I was in my Dr.s office barely able to walk. Because it was right before Christmas, I was shuffled around, and nobody could figure it out. I went through months of tests, no answers, more tests that got more invasive, and got shuffled to a hematologist who confirmed I had Antiphospholipid syndrome. That got ignored for the most part for the better part of 4 months. Nobody connected the dots, until I got a new Vascular surgeon who in late July looked at me and said "You know, we keep ignoring this, but, I think this is worse than we give it credit for.".
I was tossed in the hospital for a week to start blood thinners, and then sent home. I was on Lovenox/Coumadin for 3 days at home when I started developing a hematoma in my left abdominal wall, and and 1 week to the day of being discharged, I was right back in.
After weeks of treatment for that, my Dr. told me she went to a seminar and discovered that putting me on the blood thinners was the right thing to do. Always nice to know it was a guess. *grins ruefully* Sometimes I wish they'd keep their brainstorming to themselves. I get this horrible sunburn like flushing rash all over my body that randomly shows up for hours and then just leaves- That apparently is a sign that the APS is attacking my system more aggressively, and that going on the blood thinners will help slow down the progress it is making. Won't make it go away, but, hopefully, I won't be losing my legs like my grandfather and my uncle did, because nobody figured out they had this in time.
It's taken 10 months to get a partial answer- Something has tanked my immune system, and they can't figure out what it is. There is something else seriously wrong, but, they don't know what yet. I'm grateful to God I have any answer at all. Not knowing is worse than knowing, any day of the week.
APS attacks a womans reproductive system as well, and carrying a child can be extremely dangerous. The baby usually doesn't survive, and it can harm the mother as well. Because of that, I was informed that I need to have permanent birth control- IE, my tubes tied. For a year, I've prepared myself for the realization of a hysterectomy due to various health issues, but nothing prepared me for that. You think you're prepared, no matter what they tell you, and when you're finally told, you realize, nope. You aren't.
It is one of the hardest things in the world to be told- You're 30 years old, and we're taking your reproductive system from you. Now, mine was dysfunctional at its best of days anyways, but, again, there was always that hope. That 1 in a billion- but ever since I was diagnosed with APS, I realized, that hope was selfish. God can complete miracles- there is proof around us every day. But, how can I expect God to allow me to get pregnant when it is so unsafe?
It is one of the worst things in the world to realize that you simply are not able to carry a child, and so my prayer has changed. I pray that God gives us a child, certainly. But through his timing, and his wisdom, I pray he picks the woman or couple who knows that they cannot raise their child, and that he puts them in our path, or us in theirs.
Is 30 going to be any easier than 29? I don't know. I've got a long road to go healthwise. We still have to figure so much out. And with cold weather brings more dangers for my feet with the APS. I feel like my body is breaking down more and more each day, but, one thing I know for sure. Even in my darkest hours, there is a light. I have a God who is there, wrapping His arms around me, letting me know that He knows, and understands, even if I don't.
That means more to me than I ever thought it would.
I had no idea what God had in store for me. If someone had said to me; "Maggie, you're going to start dating him, get baptized, and get married all in the space of 4 months", I would have told them they were crazy. I had railed against God for years- He had abandoned me, and I wanted nothing to do with him, or the hypocrisy in the Church or its members. What I didn't know was, I had been searching for Him desperately all those years, and in my quest for other religions, I always kept looking, never satisfied. By the time I met my husband, I had been forged by the fires, and was finally ready to listen, even if I didn't know it yet.
If someone had also told me that I would be in the ranks of the chronically ill, and that 4 days before my 30th birthday, I would be told that all chance of ever conceiving a child would permanently be taken away, I wouldn't have believed that either.
When I was 22, I was diagnosed with PCOS, which, by that time, so much scarring had been done to my reproductive system, that they told me that conceiving was going to be less than a 1% chance. I knew that. We were fine- we've always felt the call to adopt because there are so many children already born who need homes and loving parents. We weren't ready to adopt yet, so, it didn't matter. Besides, any woman in my shoes knows you always hold out in the back of your mind that God can do anything He wants, and as long as you have your reproductive system, well, miracles can happen.
Well, a month before my 29th birthday, my GP sent my to a Gyn. because I hadn't had a cycle in 2 and a half years. I had just joined this practice with my GP, so, she was adamant that I go. Short story- I ended up being diagnosed with Endometrial Hyperplasia. I was put on a horrifying hormone I had taken before that causes mood swings that would turn even a saint into a psycho, and that's just the tip of Medroxyprogesterone.
Unbeknownst to me, life was about to get a whole lot more interesting. In late Oct., I noticed what I thought was a blister on the bottom of my 2nd toe on my left foot. Condensed version? 5 weeks later 2 toes were black and covered in these sores, and I was in my Dr.s office barely able to walk. Because it was right before Christmas, I was shuffled around, and nobody could figure it out. I went through months of tests, no answers, more tests that got more invasive, and got shuffled to a hematologist who confirmed I had Antiphospholipid syndrome. That got ignored for the most part for the better part of 4 months. Nobody connected the dots, until I got a new Vascular surgeon who in late July looked at me and said "You know, we keep ignoring this, but, I think this is worse than we give it credit for.".
I was tossed in the hospital for a week to start blood thinners, and then sent home. I was on Lovenox/Coumadin for 3 days at home when I started developing a hematoma in my left abdominal wall, and and 1 week to the day of being discharged, I was right back in.
After weeks of treatment for that, my Dr. told me she went to a seminar and discovered that putting me on the blood thinners was the right thing to do. Always nice to know it was a guess. *grins ruefully* Sometimes I wish they'd keep their brainstorming to themselves. I get this horrible sunburn like flushing rash all over my body that randomly shows up for hours and then just leaves- That apparently is a sign that the APS is attacking my system more aggressively, and that going on the blood thinners will help slow down the progress it is making. Won't make it go away, but, hopefully, I won't be losing my legs like my grandfather and my uncle did, because nobody figured out they had this in time.
It's taken 10 months to get a partial answer- Something has tanked my immune system, and they can't figure out what it is. There is something else seriously wrong, but, they don't know what yet. I'm grateful to God I have any answer at all. Not knowing is worse than knowing, any day of the week.
APS attacks a womans reproductive system as well, and carrying a child can be extremely dangerous. The baby usually doesn't survive, and it can harm the mother as well. Because of that, I was informed that I need to have permanent birth control- IE, my tubes tied. For a year, I've prepared myself for the realization of a hysterectomy due to various health issues, but nothing prepared me for that. You think you're prepared, no matter what they tell you, and when you're finally told, you realize, nope. You aren't.
It is one of the hardest things in the world to be told- You're 30 years old, and we're taking your reproductive system from you. Now, mine was dysfunctional at its best of days anyways, but, again, there was always that hope. That 1 in a billion- but ever since I was diagnosed with APS, I realized, that hope was selfish. God can complete miracles- there is proof around us every day. But, how can I expect God to allow me to get pregnant when it is so unsafe?
It is one of the worst things in the world to realize that you simply are not able to carry a child, and so my prayer has changed. I pray that God gives us a child, certainly. But through his timing, and his wisdom, I pray he picks the woman or couple who knows that they cannot raise their child, and that he puts them in our path, or us in theirs.
Is 30 going to be any easier than 29? I don't know. I've got a long road to go healthwise. We still have to figure so much out. And with cold weather brings more dangers for my feet with the APS. I feel like my body is breaking down more and more each day, but, one thing I know for sure. Even in my darkest hours, there is a light. I have a God who is there, wrapping His arms around me, letting me know that He knows, and understands, even if I don't.
That means more to me than I ever thought it would.
Replies