Lindsay's Story  I fell in love my senior year in high school.  This guy was awesome.  He was three years older than me, which made him really cool.  He was playing college football for Wake Forest.  He was tall dark and handsome and he swept me off my feet. Im from a small town in Ohio so Wake Forest is about six hours away.  The love we shared was like a fairy tale or even better a country love song.  The distance couldn't stop our love.  Everybody around us said we were too young to make this work, we had our whole lives ahead of us.  We would have done anything to make it last. Somewhere in the mix of passion and distance we slipped up.  I was 18 and pregnant.  Our parents were going to kill us.  I remember thinking of how we would survive this pregnancy.  I remember him suggesting an abortion, and thinking how can he love me if he is asking me to do this. This pregnacy changed everything in ways it brought us closer at the time, but it ended up driving us apart.  I truly believe that if I had not miscarried at 13 weeks we would still be together today.  However I did miscarry.   My family went away for a weekend at the lake.  I stayed home because I didnt feel well.  I remember laying in bed on the phone with my boyfriend and the only person who knew I was pregnant.  I was screaming in pain.  I was having contractions.  It felt like every five seconds a knife twisted in my gut.  It was horrible and lonely and the worst pain I have ever felt emotionally as well. I remember starring into the toilet at a peach sized sac. Knowing that it was my baby and wondering if my boyfriend was relieved that this happend to me.  The answer was yes, and it broke my heart and his. Mothers do know everything and although I thought I had been very sneaky nothing gets passed her.  When she arrived home from the lake a few weeks passed. Finally she snapped and asked me "Lindsay what did you do to your baby?".  If words could kill I wouldn't be here to tell this story.  What did I do to my baby?  What did I do?  My God, what I wanted to do to her.   She thought I had an abortion. For awhile I couldn't feel anything for her because she thought that I would have done that.  I didn't plan my pregnancy and I dont think I ever knew how much I wanted it until it was taken away from me. Guess thats the beauty of a mother daughter relationship, we say things we dont mean but love overcomes those things, I hope to feel that with my child some day. Im 23 now a little older a little wiser and I know that my mother's heart was breaking for me.  I know that she was trying to reach out to me, but those words cut deep.  I recommend being very careful with the words used when someone has suffered a loss. I have moved on in love.  I am married to a wonderful man and my best friend.  I am so lucky to have someone in my life that loves me.  After my first miscarriage I thought of myself as damaged goods, and I was until he came into my life.  He has lifted me up.  I am so thankful for his support and unselfish love. Scott and I have been through two more miscarriages.  They were both horrible but not nearly as devistating because he was there to wipe my tears and hold my hand.  Scott even made runs for more maxi pads, thats true love.  I dont know what I would do without him. I had my OBGYN do some test.  These test are so nerve racking.  It takes over a month to get all the results back.  In some ways you pray that they come back abnormal so that your Doctor will say " Ah yes heres the problem, your baby switch was off! Were going to turn it right back on and you will be a baby making machine!"  Sadly this isnt the usual answer.  In fact many women never get an answer. I sat in that office for two hours.  While I waited I could here my doctor lauphing with a woman in the next room while they listened to her baby's heartbeat.  In another room I heard a child crying and a mother snapping sit down and shut it! What would I give to have her problem. Every time I see a child and mother or a new baby I feel that ache. An ache Im praying will someday go away. Finally the door opened slowly.  My heart pounding hard enouph that I was actually gripping the sides of the chair.  My doctor sat down and made some small talk about a dog my husband has, we have pups from the same litter, like I said Im from a small town.  He then went on with " Lindsay as you know all of the testing has come back normal so far.  The last test we did was the Karotype test on both you and Scott.  Scotts test comes back just fine.  Yours however has come back abnormal.  What you have is a balanced translocation.  You're actually lucky that it happend this way or your mother would have miscarried you or you would have had birth defects." My heart had sunk down to my gut.  I was listening but I was concentrating more on breathing so I wouldn't have a complete breakdown, after all I know everybody in the office and I didnt want them to see my heart shatter.  I remember  thinking just hurry up I want to get back to may car and scream!  A translocation what is this? I was nodding my heading and trying to smile as I said okay. Then he went on.. "  I dont really know the best way to explain this but Ill try.  You have information in your chromosomes that has moved around.  Because it is balanced you're okay and able to function like a normal human.  Basically because of this translocation you have about a 75% chance of miscarriage each time you become pregnant.   The good news is its a lethal abnormality so your chances of having a child with a disabliltiy are slim, if you pass this information it will end in miscarriage.  You can however have a regular child but there is no telling how many miscarriages you will have to go through.  Your other option is IVF with a donar egg. Just think about what you want to do and let me know and we will make it happen." The good news?  I was failing to hear any good news.  I got up to head for the door.  As I was leaving a family friend that works for my doctor asked me how my nephew was doing because he had been sick. I just looked at her and shook my head and started balling.  My doctor heard me from accrossed the room and ran over to hug me and reassure me that I could have a baby someday, it was just not going to be as easy for me as it is for most people.  They were all waiting for me to say something.  I couldnt speak because I couldnt breath.  All I could manage is to get out was this is my world. My doc asked me if I meant having a baby and I shook my head yes and left the office as quick as I could.  The eleavator seemed like an hour ride and guess what, there was a pregnant women right beside me the whole time.  I literally ran to my car so I could let lose.  I am living with infertility and I think about how badly I want a baby every day.  I see my three sisters with there sweet babies and feel left out and alone.  I want to be a mommy too so I fit in again. I hate being jealous of my sisters but pray everyday they know what they have.  I wonder if it makes them feel  akward, do they pity me because I cant have what they have? We are going to try naturally to have a child for another year and if we are not sucessful then we are going to try IVF or adoption were not sure yet.  I feel sometimes like it isnt fair to my husband.  Hes normal and Im am not.  These are the mind games that an infertile women plays, everyday. I am stronger for what I have been through.  I know in my heart that God has his reasons for giving me this cross. We all carry a different one but this is mine, so I have faith in him alone.  No doctor can do what he has done for me and I find peace in him. I pray that he gives me the strength to get through the days to come.