Happy New Year:)

Well I'm still here:) Glad Christmas is over hope the new year brings my family some happiness.2 of my sisters have Cancer again (Chemo and Radiation).It never stops they a r doing a gene study on my Dad's side of the family.I have 3 sisters that carry 2 tryants.I did my test but haven't recieved the results yet.I know my sister has 7 pages on my Dad's side that have died of either colon cancer,uterine cancer or breast cancer.At least I don't have a uterus.It's been one tough year.So much has happen some good some bad.Ashli had her baby July 26 she weighed 6lbs and 7oz just beauitful they live with us .She is going to College and I watch Emery.It's a job watching her,have a teenager that hates me,husband that promised me he would quit drinking(but I caught him drinking)told him if he don't quit its over I love him so much but I'm so done it hurts my children and me.I was going to NA meetings(yes I had a problem with pain killers)its sad how u can get hooked on them and never really notice until its to late.Now I know how Justin felt.I find it getting harder I can't accept his death don't think I ever will.Didn't have anyone to talk to so I started talking to my daughter Ashli about how I feel she came home one day crying she said she was worried about me so I decided I can't tell her how I feel it wasn't right that she had to hear how her mother feels.Nobody talks about Justin and when I do they all clam up.There is so much aruging in this house I can't take it.Either its Rebecca telling me I'm not a good mother and basically doesn't love me.We r having alot of problems she doesn't respect us,cusses us,getting bad grades in school for not doing homework.We have set down the law to her its slowing changing but she has a long ways to go or its worrying about if Mike is sneaking around drinking, Ashli who can't wait to get out of this hell hole and money (we pay all her bills plus ours) our little nest egg is going quick.
                                Didn't get out to the cematary until 3 days before Christmas it was dark and cold I was trying so hard to get his tree up and smashed flowers(didn't fix them before I left).I was very disappointed in myself didn't have the Christmas spirit.I stayed home alone that day not even getting dressed.I honestly thought I would feel better about Justin's death but to me its getting worse.I prayed to Justin that I needed to let go and accept his death but then I felt so bad.I know I need to go on with my life for my husband,children,grandchildren,my mother and all my siblinges.I've isolated myself from any kind of contact with my family.I didn't realize that I haven't visited my mother in 4 months or my siblings oh they call but I hardly ever return their calls.
                                 So that's whats going on in my life!Trying to connect with God been going to Northpoint Church.Seems I can pray tell I'm blue in the face and no relief.Love u all will try to keep better in touch:) Vicki