Wednesday

I have had a somewhat busy week went to cematary yesterday it seems like when I go there it takes all the energy from me.I have no clue why.I've been babysitting baby Emily Tuesday she was very fussy she spit up on me 3 times.I think I over fed here or I didn't burp her good enough.She takes alot of my time I have her 4 hours but her mother has always held her the whole time she sleeps not a good idea.Every time I get her to sleeo and try and put her down she wakes up.Rebecca helps me alot.I forgot how much time it takes to have a 8 week old baby.She's a sweety though.It sure brings back memories of all my children.Justin and Ashli were good babies Rebecca was a handful.She had to be fed every 2 hours I didn't get much sleep and I was 38.It would wear me out I've talked to a couple of Justin's friends they make me cry when they call so much sadness I pray to God he will make it more real because I still think his here just haven't seen him in awhile it makes me feel better thinking he just has been gone awhile and will call or come over.It is still so so hard you think it would be more real to me since it's been 13 months.My heart just aches.I just can't get over that he's gone.I just melt when I look at pictures of him.I still call his cell phone his cousin D.J has it now just makes me feel better to dial those numbers he had that phone for a long time.I even been by the house where he died I'm sure people wonder what I'm doing figure one day someone will call the police on me.See I think I'm going a little crazy.I love you all who respond on my journels.I could never talk to any one who understands I have DS friends who know how I really feel.I'm just glad I found this site it has helped alot to know that people listen and don't judge me.Some people I know think I didn't raise Justin in the right way.I did the best I could.I always talked to him about drugs he was a great son very loving and always had a good heart.Well I'm rambling on.I love everyone on this site thanks for all the encouragement and know how I really feel.BIG HUGS,jfm24,Vicki