Friday, February 29, 2008
The sun is shining here around 50 light wind I went to the cemetary I had a couple of pictures lamanated and got flat plastic frames they look beautiful they say with me lamanating them they will not fade and no mositure will get in.I cleaned his headstone I bet the people at the office think I'm a crazy old lady.I have windex,paper towels and a toothbrush.There's alot of clay here so his headstone gets dirty when it rains.It is just beautiful when his headstone shines.This week I've been missing Justin very much.I just go hide and cry until theirs no tears left.My family understands that I'm coping with Justin's death differently then them.I've noticed I'm a quiet person now I just listen to people talk.Sometimes I find myself not even listening.I'm such a different person now I will never be that happy go lucky Vicki again.Well Justin's one year of being gone is March 21st it will be different that day. A day that will haunt me the rest of my life.I'm sure I'll relive that day at 4:00 pm God I hated that call.My life ended that day I just feel so hollow inside like I have no feelings.Even when my family wants to get out and go to the nature center or a park or just drive around I have no emotions I go but I'm so quiet.I don't know if this new life I'm living is fair to my husband and children.Maybe one day I'll understand myself as time goes by.Thanks for reading my journal hugs to all.jfm24,Vicki
Replies
im still very quit and cry alone..yes i guess i hide cos i dont want to get everybody else upset...i still have tears everyday and i feel as if i will the rest of my days...every month on the date of codys leaving i relive it all...i have had a sick feeling for 20 months now and a really cold draft down the back of my neck...i pray for all of us everyday & night...this new life is very hard to cope with...im walking beside u...huggin u tight...love ya my friend...take care of you
My Justin has been gone 6 and 1/2 months. The last couple days I have not cried as much , but of course all that is subject to change any minute. I have felt a peace come over me since his death , a small peace , but peace none the less. Let me explain.I\'ve really been thinking about how traumatic my son\'s injuries were. The doctors said no one could survive from those injuries. Even if you just took half the injuries he had, they were still so hard for me to stand there and see. HE WAS NOT FIXABLE, and I have finally accepted it. As hard as it was to lose him , I would not have wanted him to suffer one more minute with those horrific injuries. I didn\'t decide to let him go ... God decided my Justin couldn\'t take any more and took him home. That is where I will see Justin again one day when I go home. And guess what ? Here comes the tears. I haven\'t cried in a couple days. Yes, I miss Justin soooo much I can\'t stand it. But if it means he is not suffering, I will just have to live with it and know he will not be in pain ever again.
Kelly
Give yourself permission to feel good again. I have decided that I can choose to be miserable or find a little something good in each day. I hope you have a peaceful weekend...
Vicki,
I did the same thing for about 9 months.I had very little to say and I had no desire to do anything. I felt so disconnected to my surroundings and nothing seemed important. I have worked on changing all that because I know that is not what my son would want me to continue to do. I must say it has not been easy but by setting small goals I have come a long way. I now smile and even laugh and i don\'t feel guilty about it any longer. Hugs, Inga
Love you! :0)