:/

Why is life hard? I mean I relax but not really. I always am looking over my shoulder. I always sleep lightly and at the softest noise I'm up and scared. I can't sleep longer than 5 hours some nights while no sleep other nights. I am afraid to walk to my mailbox. I don't step out of my house at night unless I really really really have to. I lock my doors when I'm going 70 on the interstate.
I lock the bathroom door when I'm taking a shower.  I sleep with a dagger, a knife, and my hand gun. I wake up more drained than before I fell asleep. How can I relax and not have all the turmoil? I have nightmares every night. I know I have anxiety and PTSD but it still really sucks. I'm really working on not suppressing my feelings. I don't like feeling certain emotions, so as a fail safe I don't really feel any emotion. According to my co-workers I always look pissed when I come into work, and I'm not that is the thing. I am not pissed just thinking.
I am major manic depressive and it really sucks. I don't feel like getting out of bed, even tho I don't if I could I would stay in bed.