Hope

Here I sit again. From somewhere...God?, these sites? , somewhere else entirely?, I have found the missing piece again. Suddenly I have hope, faith, determination. Just out of the blue it reared itself and I suddenly find myself with energy again, a smile on my face, determination to keep moving forward. Not sure where it popped up from, but thank The Lord it finally did....I was getting worried.

I no longer hold out even an inkling of hope that life with him can be even tolerable until the girls graduate. Crazy thing is, he has been incredibly quiet and somewhat decent for the past couple weeks. Nothing to see here folks. Didn't change my feelings. For once, I didn't even feel guilty about wanting to leave, to breathe again when he was on his "good behavior". I just didn't feel anything except hopelessly stuck. Then two evenings ago, something changed. Can't even say what it was, but suddenly I found myself making plans again, feeling stronger and hopeful again, only in a different way than ever before. All of this sounds so crazy, but I just don't know how to explain it.

So....I'm moving forward, making plans, applying for places and an auto loan so I can get a car that is safe, I am talking to people, joining things, looking for another job, calling old friends I haven't talked to in ages. I put dishes and pans on layaway, I trust that soon something is going to come up, something I can afford, something safe, something better.

That's all.